Ramblings
by I am a Banana
Summary: In which Lily fears for her sanity, Remus tries to ignore the little voices in his head, James drools over an obviously oblivious Lily, and Sirius sits back and laughs at them all. The Marauders, life, love and the utterly stupid things they did.
1. In which Lily Introduces us To Hogwarts

On Hogwarts Express. 3:42 pm.

I hate trains.

Hate, I understand, is a very powerful word. There are many things I strongly dislike - grapefruits, the name 'Prudence', singing, my hair... and then, there are a few things that I dislike so very strongly that they cease to fall under the category of 'strong dislike' and into the category of 'hate'. Several such of these things are my sister, the song 'Puff the Magic Dragon', frogs...  
Potter.

Trains fall under the latter.

There are many reasons why I hate trains.

The first of these reasons is the fact that they are very noisy. They rattle along the tracks, they puff out steam, and they contain people, who like to do loud things like laugh, talk and hex each other.  
The second reason is that there is nothing to do on a train, other than read, which is made difficult by reason number one. The third reason is that I am a prefect, and therefore must sit in a specially designed Prefect Compartment.  
In my opinion, there is absolutely no point in having a compartment solely for prefects. There are only eight of us and we'd all much rather be somewhere else.  
Like I would much rather be ooh-ing and ah-ing over Nina's new pet Kneazle, or talking about what an utter, utter bastard James Potter is. But I am stuck here, with the rest of the study-freaks deemed worthy of wearing the shiny badge of goody-goodness.

I think I am depressed. I have the chronic signs of a suicidal teenager. For instance, I am:

A. Attempting to study transfiguration when really I should be out in the train hallway chatting mindlessly about so-and-so's haircut, or making out in the train toilets. This shows major signs of introverted-ness, which can, in later life, lead to suicide.  
B. In prefect compartment. This shows major signs of geekiness, which can, in later life, lead to suicide.  
C. Currently single. This shows major signs of not-getting-any, which can, in later life, lead to suicide.  
I rest my case.

On Hogwarts Express. 5:52 pm.

The people in the corridor are making so much noise. God, what are they doing out there? Can't they just shut up so I can study in peace?

On Hogwarts Express. 5:54 pm.

I just re-read that and am appalled by my statement. I should be out there making the noise, not sitting in here trying to study. I must make conversation. Quickly, before I sink into an even deeper pit of depression and anti-socialism.

On Hogwarts Express. 5:56 pm.

No-one to make conversation with. Hufflepuff prefects talking to each other, probably about knitting patterns, Ravenclaw prefects looking haughty and reading doorstop textbooks, Slytherins just looking haughty, and the other Gryffindor prefect hasn't arrived yet. I wonder who he is.

On Hogwarts Express. 5:59 pm.

The noise outside was the utter, utter bastard and his cronies. Alas, I should have known.  
The door opened, and in popped his hideous visage (He's not that bad looking, I guess. But his inner utter bastard-ness distorts my perception of his physical appearance).  
For a horrible second there I thought that he was going to be the Gryffindor prefect. But no, it was Remus Lupin, thank god, that walked in. His 'friends' were escorting him. I don't know why he hangs out with those freaks. Then again, I don't know where he goes every month. He is a man of mystery, our Remus Lupin.

On Hogwarts Express. 6:08 pm.

Had conversation with Remus. Am feeling like less of a loser. So we talked about Arithmancy, but still. I was interacting with another human being.  
The train is slowing. Either a bunch of maniacal chickens are assaulting the driver, or we are at Hogwarts.  
I am allowed to now leave the Prefect Compartment of Doom to go and change.

In Bed, Gryffindor Yr6 Female Dorms. 8:35

I will describe my night from the arrival at Hogwarts onwards.  
"Lily Evans! Oh My God! I was so hoping I would run into you!"  
The feeling was not mutual.  
"Hi Anna." I groaned inwardly. Anna Zeller was most probably the most annoying individual on the planet. With the exception of James Potter. And Sirius & Narcissa Black. And that blonde Ravenclaw girl in my Ancient Runes class with the gigantic breasts and the 'O' on her end of year test last term.

Okay, so Anna Zeller was one of the many most annoying people on the planet. But a definite 50-something in the top 100.

There are many things that make Anna Zeller so heinously irritating.  
For one, she is incapable of keeping quiet for more than a minute. Otherwise, her head will explode, and her brains will splatter all over the walls.  
Unfortunately, she never actually has anything much to say, other than "Did you hear that MRS. SO AND SO is going to make little babies with MR. BLA BLA?"  
Another thing is that she is under the impression that she is very attractive. This is fueled by the fact that she always has a boyfriend – the reasons for this being  
a) She is very gifted in the mammary glands  
and  
b) She is a slut  
But why any boy would put up with her mad ramblings and promiscuous behavior, just for a pair of 36Ds, is beyond me. Except for the fact that boys like sluts. Especially ones with boobs the size of their heads.  
She has a habit of talking so fast that if the topic of her conversation doesn't make you nauseous, her pace certainly will. You know, when you're watching one of those rides at amusement parks, where you get strapped into a seat and spin around and around and around? And just watching the ride, going at such a speed, makes you want to be sick. Its a bit like that.  
And finally, she thinks she's French, despite her Irish accent and pale, pale skin. She takes much joy in telling everyone she meets something along the lines of "I am French. Look at me. I am a sexy French whore,"  
Me and my friend Sarah like to joke that to save everyone some time, we could make her a badge with that phrase on it. If she wore that, she wouldn't have to talk nearly as much.

"So what have you been like doing this summer? Oh my god, I heard this rumor that you and Sirius Black hooked up. Because that is so adorable! 'Cos he has gray eyes. And gray and green are such a good match. But actually I don't think you... suit each other? Because he would look so adorable with a blonde. Don't you think? He's the fun loving type."  
At this she flicked her hair in a shampoo-add type of way, making it obvious she was thinking of a blonde in particular, and emitted a high pitched giggle.  
The best thing to do in that situation would have been to laugh in her face, go find my friends and wait to be allowed into the Great Hall. Instead, I responded with the incredibly intelligent and literate:  
"Huh?"  
She looked at me, her eyebrows (on which she had unleashed the full wrath of her tweezers) raised.  
"Did, you, or did you not, go out with Sirius Black?" she said slowly, as though speaking to a small child. I was too surprised by both her question and the hypocrisy of her talking to me as though I was the one with the mental disabilities to answer. So I stood there, gaping like a fish for about twenty seconds or so, before I replied "No"

Anna's almost-non-existent eyebrows disappeared into her fringe, and she pursed her lips and gave me a look that told me she thought I was lying. But it appeared she was at least momentarily satisfied by my reply, because she stalked off to meet her fellow Sexy French Whores, to whom she no doubt boasted about how she hadn't eaten anything since July. I, after standing agape for a moment or two, followed suit, as McGonagall ushered us in.

I sat down at the Gryffindor table between my two friends, Nina and Sarah, both of whom were engaged in a fascinating chat about was it true whether Lily Evans went out with Sirius Black during the summer?

Nina's face was tilted backwards as she leaned on her chair. Her face were scrunched in anger, her nose screwed up, her eyes narrow and her cheeks flushed – she was in her natural element. Yelling at other people.  
"No way would she go out with that arrogant git! She has pride!" Nina said heatedly. I was surprised at her passion on the matter. She didn't seem to realize I has arrived.  
"I dunno." said Sarah, fiddling with her honey coloured ponytail, also oblivious to my presence.  
"He is really, really, really, really, really, really, really hot. I wouldn't blame her. And she's always going on about how he is completely and utterly idiotic. Maybe its some sort of twisted sign of affection?"  
I shook my head at Sarah's betrayal and decided to alert them to my presence.

"Ahem." They looked up." To confirm, I have not been seeing anyone, let alone someone with an ego that big. I've been stuck with Petunia and the Muggles of Wonder all summer." I folded my arms.  
Sarah tried and failed to hide behind her fork.  
"We didn't know you were here." she mumbled.  
"Obviously." I snapped.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before the sorting started. Well, not complete silence. Sarah was humming. But she hums so continually, it has become the background noise in my head. Therefore, it does not count.  
After an eternity, the sorting began.  
Professor McGonagall then carried in the Sorting Hat.

Sorting Hat  
n.  
1. A hat whose sole purpose in life is to inform the first years the virtues of the various houses.  
2. Also serves as entertainment for the older students.  
Possibly designed to lull students to sleep, so as to prevent wild post-dinner parties.

I always thought it must have been horribly monotonous being the Sorting Hat, and that if I were that poor thing, I would have long since gone mad. It appeared that the hat had finally crossed the sanity line, and this year, when it opened up the rip near its brim to sing, this was what came out:

You'll know if you're not retarded  
Hats are meant to go on your head  
But I could shield your eyelid  
And I'm not all that stylish  
So I'll sort you into a house instead

Now hats generally don't have great minds  
Like Shakespeare or that mad Einstein  
And I'm no exception  
And it's really perplexin'  
Why I ever got hired

But old Gryffindor was a nutter  
Who tended to slur and to splutter  
He drank and he drank  
And, to be frank  
He ended up dead in a gutter

Let that be a lesson to all of you  
Don't drink unless you really need to  
Because you will all die  
And your mother will cry  
And Myrtle will stick her head down the loo

And this monotony is too much to bear  
Making up songs every damn year  
Because I am a hat  
And nothing rhymes with that  
So I think that I'll leave it there.

The hat, it appeared, had finally cracked.  
The hall burst into applause, apparently highly entertained by the hats new poetic style. Professor McGonagall rushed offstage, hat in hand, looking very cross. I pitied the hat.  
When she returned, (after no doubt administering some very strong shock charms) the hat began to sort all the teensy looking first years, whom all looked absolutely terrified at the prospect of putting on a talking hat that would determine their social group for the next seven years. At least I assume that's what was on their minds. It's what I thought in my first year.  
Or maybe they thought it was going to eat them. That was also a thought that crossed my mind during my first Sorting.

Anyway. Once the sorting was complete, dinner was served. We broke the silence by expressing our joy at the appearance of food. Nina ate about four times her body weight in pie, muttered darkly about the 'lack of alcohol served at this institution', and fell asleep. So for the remaining twenty minutes I was cruelly subjected to Sarah's chatter about every single thing she did during her holidays. To Sarah, this qualifies as actual conversation, despite the fact it was entirely one-sided. She did not notice as I drifted off into a dreamland.

Finally Dumbledore got up off his chair, cutting Sarah's recital short, and made his little speech reminding us not to go into the Forbidden Forest, don't hex fellow students, study hard, eat your vegetables... and so on and so fourth.  
But when we all got up to leave to our dorms where we could reside on our beds and sleep, I was cornered by the Most Excruciatingly Annoying Person On Planet Earth, Egghead of the Twentieth Century, The Bane of My Existence, Winner of the Utter Bastard of the Year award, or, as his mother probably calls him, James Potter.

"Hello, Potter. Done anything life threatening or homicidal this summer?" I said.  
_Please piss off._  
"Nothing worth mentioning. Still a frigid, socially inept bitch I see?"  
_Not without embarrassing you in front of a thousand strong audience._  
"Only around you Potter. Don't you have something to go off and vandalize?"  
_Tell me what you want and then piss off._  
"That can wait."  
_I would rather stay here and annoy the hell out of you.  
_"I'm afraid I can't. So if you would kindly stop blocking the exit I could leave you to go and make out with a mirror."  
_I think you are a conceited shit. Now get out of my way before I kick you in the groin._  
"Is it true you're going out with Sirius?" he blurted out.  
That, I admit, was unexpected.  
"Why don't you ask him?" I frowned.  
"He's... indisposed." said the Hindrance of My Being. Was it just me, or was he blushing?  
However, his indifferent comment aroused my curiosity.  
"What do you mean, indisposed?" I narrowed my eyes. Potter, to my delight, seemed quite intimidated.  
"He's, um, sort of... busy." He seemed very flustered when he said this. Very out of character. Usually he would be all macho and flexing his muscles and crap, but he seemed...  
Awkward.  
"Anyway." He said, clearing his throat. "That's not the point. Are you or are you not dating my mate?"  
De ja vu. Honestly.  
"You really think I would stoop that low? Go and burn something."  
I swear he looked relieved.  
This annoyed me.  
"Why do you care anyway?" I asked, narrowing my eyes still further.  
He immediately resumed his air of vanity and remembered to look at me like I was Hippogriff crap.  
"Because, Evans, I needed to know whether I was going to have to check him in to St Mungo's or not." he smirked at me and swaggered off.  
He is the definition of justifiable homicide. I swear whoever is responsible for the creation of a git so conceited and prickish, let them dissolve in a vat of acid.  
Slowly.

I have a horrible, violent imagination.


	2. In which Lily is knocked over

First Day at Hogwarts as a sixth year. 11:40am

My day, so far, has reached world-record levels of horridness.

When I woke this morning, I was certain the day would be a wondrous one.

I awakened to the melodies of songbirds outside my window. I wrenched open the curtains to allow the unadulterated sunshine illuminate the dormitory, casting a golden aura over my nicely folded socks and my teddy bear.  
My robes lay ironed and folded in the open trunk at the foot of my bed, ready to put on. My shoes were at the end of my bed, shiny and polished.

I had a lovely long shower, with hot water (Nina wasn't awake yet)

My hair did everything I wanted it to, for once, and I managed to get it into a high ponytail without major incident.

The common room was near empty, and I didn't trip up over anything trying to get to the portrait hole.

So I, make-up carefully put on face, hair looking just right, robes tidy, prefect badge pinned on, squeaky clean with my books all organised in my book bag, was ready for the day and already convinced it was to be a perfect one.  
Oh, how laughably incorrect I was.

I stepped out of the portrait hole only to be knocked off my feet by a squat little boy, who was speeding down the corridor in a blur of mousy brown hair and black robes.  
"Excuse me!" I tried to disentangle myself from my book bag.

I stood and looked down the hall in the direction my assaulter had come, to see a group of Slytherins puffing on after him.

"Hey! You!"  
They reached the portrait hole and stopped.  
McNair, Avery and Pucey glared at me with narrowed eyes. Quite an intimidating and very unpleasant sight so early in the morning. However, I stood my ground.  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I placed my hand on my hip and frowned at them.  
"Going to breakfast. Is that illegal now, Prefect?" Pucey sneered at me, putting an unpleasant emphasis on the word 'Prefect'. Avery giggled. I could feel myself turning red.  
"Thats interesting. You've been at this school, how long? Seven years, and you still don't know the location of the Great Hall? If you seek breakfast, I suggest you travel in the opposite direction and stop chasing people madly through the corridors."  
I had them now. The Great Hall was in the direction they had just come from.  
McNair scowled, and said  
"We were taking a shortcut."  
I raised an eyebrow.  
"Uh huh. And what shortcut might that be?"

But before they could reply, we were interrupted by a very loud bang The sound of an explosion came from the Great Hall, accompanied by a tremor, which caused me to fall to the floor.  
And when I got up, they were gone.

I shook my head, and ran to the site of the noise.

I reached the Great Hall to find the house tables upturned, food on the floor and breakfasters confused and, in many cases, also on the floor. Everything was covered with soot, odd looking green mush, and a few articles of pancake were smoking on the ground.

I spotted Nina, who was patting Sarah on the back, features distorted into an expression of disgust as her blonde companion retched violently on the floor.  
"Ninny!"  
She looked up and I ran over to her.  
"What happened?" I asked.  
"What does it look like?" she growled.

"Erm... a whirlwind hit the room? You had too much alcohol and hexed the Hall into oblivion? Someone has bowel issues causing a mini hurricane and simultaneously resulting in a stench powerful enough to bring on nausea? Don't look at me like that. I don't have 'Clairvoyant' written on my bloody forehead, you know." I said.

Nina scowled.

"Someone threw something onto the tables, and they blew up. Big bang, ground shakes, green flash. And I hadn't even had my coffee yet. That bloody Potter and his bum-boys. I've no doubt it was them."  
Nina scowled. I put her mood down to lack of caffeine.  
I, remembering the Slytherins, thought that maybe, for once, Potter was not the culprit. But now was not the time to reason with Nina, if I didn't want my head bitten off.

"What about Sarah?" I asked.  
"Oh, that. She ate some very bad bacon. She was like this before the explosion" Nina replied. Sarah nodded feebly between retches.  
"Let's get her to Madam Pomfrey." I said, and we each grabbed her by a shoulder and helped her limp out of the corridor, trying not to get vomit on our robes.


	3. In which Remus gets very irritated

_History of Magic  
Day 1  
9:50 am_

_- International Confederation of Wizards_

_- First Supreme Mugwump of International Confederation Pierre Bonnaccord. _

_- Trolls_

_- Breach between Bonaccord and Liechtenstein_

_- Appointment contested by the wizarding community of Liechtenstein_

_- Problem with trolls; Vicious Mountain_

_- Bonaccord against troll hunting_

_- Troll rights_

_- Confederation first meeting in France_

**Why do you even bother writing all this down, Moony? I, even with all my superior intellect, can't understand a word.**

_Because, Sirius, I refer to my notes before tests. They are not designed for your minuscule cranium's limited comprehension. _

_Now stop writing in my notebook._

**But I'm bored, Moony.**

_Go and hex someone, then. And stop calling me that. _

**If you haven't noticed, we're in class. Hexing someone would result in detention. And its like James said – the nicknames promote a feel of comradeliness between us Marauders. **

_Its still stupid. And what happened to your 'I can get more detentions in a month than you can' bet with James? _

**Good Point. **

_Why always Snape? One day, when he joins the ranks of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he will destroy you. Nice Leg-Locker curse, by the way. _

**He can't be a successful Death Eater if he is emotionally scarred by my abusive behavior towards him. When I'm done he'll be gibbering in St Mungo's. Besides, I live in the Black household. If I can survive cousin Bellabitch, I can survive grudges from greasy haired gits like Snivellus.**

_You have serious problems. _

**Double detention with Slughorn. In your face, Prongs. **

_--_

_Potions  
Day 1  
10:45 am_

_Strengthening Solution_

_- Salamander Blood_

_- Pomegranate Juice_

_- Root of Fooglepoof _

She is so beautiful.

**As fascinating as listening to you mope about Lily Evans is, shut up.**

Look at her hair.

_Her hair is very nice, James. Now please stop drooling on my notebook._

I am not drooling!

**Yes, you are. Look. Just ask her out, and put us all out of our misery. Then she can reject you and we can all get on with our lives.**

A little ray of sunshine, you are.

**Why thank you James. Honestly, though. Why don't you just vent a bit of your Lily-lust off on some other girl? That Ravenclaw bint with the Hair's been eying you for a while now. **

_Now please stop defacing my book and piss off. _

Oi! Evans is coming this way! Hide the notebook!

--

What did Lily want? Did she want to talk about me? What did she say about me?

_She just wanted to give me my bag back. _

**I thought you went and got your bag before? **

_I couldn't find it. It must have been in the common room or something. Now PISS OFF!_

_--_

_Charms  
Day 1  
11:56 am_

_Silencing Charm – Silencio_

_- Sharp jabbing movement with wand_

**Hey - doesn't that chick with the dreads live across the road from you, Prongs? **

Thats Nina Agglebury. Lily's friend.

_For Merlin's sake, would you two please stop writing in my book? I am rapidly running out of room for my notes. My notes. What this book is meant to be used for. _

**She's a bit saucy, isn't she? **

_Sirius, you are a sexist, repulsive, promiscuous flirt. Now go woo the fair maiden and leave my notes alone, please!_

Do you reckon while you are over there you could casually mention to Lily how devastatingly attractive I am?

**It is very hard to casually mention how devastatingly attractive your best friend is when hitting on girls, especially when the best friend in question is male. I really don't want people questioning my sexuality. Especially girls who are that bloody gorgeous. **

_I'm sick of this. I'm moving desks so you guys can have a conversation using words. Goodbye._

_--_

_I've mastered the charm in fifteen minutes, and still have have about fourty before the end of class. _

_James is right. Lily is pretty. _

_Did not just write that. _

_I am an intellectual. I enjoy exercises of the mind. I am not interested in such trivialities such as the attractiveness of females, no matter how alluring they may be.  
Or I at least don't spend my every waking hour thinking about them.  
Especially the particular girl who one of my best friends has liked since third year.  
Besides, Lily Evans is James' girl. Whether, as Sirius has previously put it, she likes it or not._

_I don't like her. No way. James does. The person to whom I would never ever ever repeat to what happened this morning when I went to get my bag during Potions._

_Ever._

_I, unlike Sirius, am not a slave to my hormones. Its my inner wolfish lust getting to me. _

_I probably don't even have hormones.  
I mean, I've never even had a girlfriend.  
It's probably the werewolf thing. _

_What kind of social reject am I? I have never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl. Flirted with one, even. _

_But thats just because I'm not all that interested in girls. I am far more concerned with my studies. And on occasion the pranks I am dragged along to participate in with Sirius and James. _

_Which I never enjoy.  
All that much.  
Sometimes.  
Very often.  
But still._

_Bell rung._

_Am ripping out this page. Immediately. And then burning it. And then eating the ashes. And then destroying the feces._

_Perhaps that is a little excessive. Burning the page is sufficient. _

_--_

_Defense Against the Dark Arts  
Day 1  
1:27 pm_

_Disarming Charm – Expelliarmus_

_Swooping movement with arm_

_Followed by jab _

**Successfully flirted with Nina. She was guarded but obviously swooning inwardly at my charm. **

_I apologise. You seem to be labouring under the impression that I care. Let me try again:  
I don't care._

She was looking at you with utter, utter contempt, Padfoot. For all your charisma, you sure as hell can't tell when a girl is not interested.

**Can you say... hypocrite? **

_Piss off. Both of you! I mean it!_

**Okay, Okay! Don't have an epileptic, Moony.**

Sure, whatever. Sirius, lets move to my blank parchment. Erm... unrelated topic.

_I think they have gone. Thank Merlin._

**Moony, did you know that you never use anything more offensive than 'pissed'? I mean, how do you vent your anger? **

_I don't have any anger. And at least I don't swear too much. _

**What gives you the right to say I fucking swear too fucking much?**

He does have a point, Padfoot.

_What happened to your 'unrelated' topic on James' piece of blank parchment?_

It just isn't the same outside your notebook, Moony.

_I'm touched, really. Now go and mutilate some innocent bystander and leave me in peace. Perhaps you could even practice the disarming charm, like you are meant to be doing?_

I can disarm standing on my head with Snivellus doing a naked cancan on my bed linen.

_I can see how that would be distracting._

**Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!**

Its okay Padfoot. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

**Do you know who bombed the hall this morning? **

Not a clue. Brilliant, though. Ogden McBooms exploding broccoli, I think. It was in the window of Zonko's. Cost a fortune though.

_GO AWAY!_

Excessive usage of punctuation shows signs of an instable mind – Quote Remus Lupin, after reading my History of Magic Essay, previous Christmas Holidays.

_Go and drool over Evans. And leave me and my notes alone. And that means you too Sirius. Or Nina will know about the incident with Imogen Cooper behind the tapestry of Henry the Horny yesterday evening. _

**We were exchanging Care of Magical Creatures notes!**

_Of course, Sirius. Despite the fact term had barely started and neither of you take that class. Now piss off. _

_--_

_I'm pretty sure they're gone. _

_Sirius is right. I refrain from using curse words in even the most drastic situations. I would hate to think what a disaster would cause me to use one.  
I am decidedly mild-mannered.  
And have never had a girlfriend. _

_The closest I've had to remotely romantic interactions with a female was this mornings mis-adventure. _

_And that was an accident. _

_This notebook is a tome of depression and despair.  
I'm burning the entire book. That will also take care of yesterdays entry that I have not yet destroyed.  
And any embarrassing future entries. _


	4. In which Lily is caught Unawares

Still First Day, Hogwarts, sitting at the back of Charms, 11:50 am.

Sorry about that. Professor Flitwick came along to inspect my work so I had to pretend that I was making notes.  
Where was I?

We were on our way to the Hospital Wing (Sarah still puking fiercely all over herself), when we were cornered, yet again, by Anna Zeller.  
She scuttled up to us, took in Sarah's disheveled state and the non-caffeinated scowl on Nina's face, and, unfortunately, began to talk.

"So are you sure that you didn't go out with Sirius? Because Brittany Turpin says you did. 'Cos she saw you and him making out at Diagon Alley. She told me in complete confidence. Because we are just the best of friends. And we would never lie to each other, or, you know, tell each others secrets. Oh my god, did you know that she has got a thing for MacDougal? He's a Slytherin! Ew!"  
Breath.  
"Anyways, I asked Sirius too and he said 'No' and then he went off with Imogen Cooper even though she is such a cheap slut and she has no figure and her hair is dyed blond, I swear. He's cheating on you with her, did you know? So anyway did you both agree not to say anything about it? Was it just a fling or something?"

Another breath, and then she waited for my response.

"I'm quite sure, thanks." I tried to laugh it off, but Zeller just snorted, as in 'Sure sure, whatever you say,'  
I turned helplessly to my left for Nina's support, but to my surprise Nina was already turning steadily red. At first I wondered if she was choking, but no. She was angry, and in danger of turning into a human beetroot.  
She drew herself up to her full height and let loose.

"Where do you get off, Zeller? She is not going out with Sirius Black! She should only have to tell you once! Now go gossip somewhere else. Maybe off the edge of a cliff, or something."

I would have kissed Nina, but I would have had to stop laughing first.

Zeller's face went all funny for a second. It took me a minute or so to realise she was crying.  
Tears started to pour down her face, smearing her make-up.  
"You are such a slag, Agglebury." and she scuttled back to the hole in the dirt from whence she came.

May her cheap mascara dribble down her cheeks for all eternity.

When we got to the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfery was otherwise occupied. There was a queue of about thirty students, presumably suffering from after-affects of the Great Hall disaster.  
After waiting in line for ten minutes or so, we reached the woman herself, who looked understandably exasperated.

"What happened to this one?" she sighed. She surveyed the upspit over Nina, Sarah and my robes, and Sarah's current state.  
"The bacon, was it? We've had an infestation of Doxies in the school kitchen that are proving difficult to get rid of. They've nested in the cellar and are proving quite hard to eliminate. I'll go and get the antidote."  
Another sigh and she bustled off and returned with a vial of bright blue coloured liquid.

"Drink up." she forced the liquid down Sarah's throat, no doubt with difficulty, as she was still puking uncontrollably all over the place.  
"Next."

By this time it was about ten thirty or so, and we were going to be late to Potions. However, we all refused to go to class covered in Sarah's regurgitated breakfast, and even scouring charms wouldn't rid us of the stench.

So, we headed to the showers. Nina and Sarah went off to the dorm bathrooms, but I decided to use the prefects bathroom, which I had never used before but had heard of. And liked the sound of.  
A stupid, stupid mistake.

"Squeaky Clean" I whispered, and the door clicked open.  
I entered, and did a fantastic goldfish imitation.

A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, illuminating the room with a soft glow. The sort of fluffy white towels that you always see in Witch Weekly but don't really exist sat in a corner, larger than life and twice as fuzzy.  
A massive rectangular pool was inset into the center of the floor, framed by numerous golden taps which, when tested, spurted bubbles of all different scents, colours, shapes and densities, and a diving board was fixed at the head of the bath.  
While I had just wanted a shower, the idea of soaking in that tub was too blissful an opportunity to pass up. After all, I'd had a difficult morning so far. It was only fair that I pamper myself a little.  
I settled for a pink foam that smelt like roses, and some lilac bubbles the size of my fist for eccentricity's sake.

Bliss, bliss, bliss. I hadn't had a proper bath in ages – whenever I try Petunia bangs on the door and tells me to hurry up and get out. I sunk underneath the water and held my breath for as long as humanly possible. When I felt like I was about to suffocate, I resurfaced, and sat on the little marble steps that led down to the bottom.

I began to soap myself up, humming a little tune, and thinking that maybe my day would take a turn for the better.  
Again, I was wrong.  
So wrong.

The first sign of ensuing horror was the sound of footsteps approaching. However I brushed away the matter lightly. Who'd be using the prefects bathroom at this time of day? They were probably going to class.  
The second sign was a hoarse voice whispering.  
"Squeaky Clean" someone said at the door.  
The door opened, not slowly like it would do if the opener of the door was expecting someone inside, but quickly, as though the person on the other side was unaware that it was occupied. Which, I guess, they were.  
The intruder entered.  
I screamed.  
Loudly.

The aforementioned intruder blushed crimson, averted his eyes and said  
"Oh Merlin. I'm really sorry Lily."  
Only very quickly. And then the aforementioned intruder shut the door. Which, in my awe of the magnificent room, I had forgotten to lock.

I hyperventilated for about ten minutes. I was hardly overreacting. No-one had seen me naked. Not ever. Even my mother hadn't seen me naked since I was four.

What? I'm a little self conscious.

Then, after checking the coast was clear of intruders, hopped out of the bath and wrapped herself in one of the fluffy white towels.

Anyway. I had cause to wonder why Remus Lupin was choosing this time of day to take a bath. My circumstances were special.  
For a few minutes I contemplated him as a bathroom perv, preying on innocent bathing prefects. But it didn't really fit.  
Besides, I spotted his bag sitting on the floor.

I think someone up there really, really hates me.

Half an hour later, I entered the Potions classroom, to find a very flustered looking Remus scribbling away in his notebook.  
I cleared my throat. He looked up and turned a brilliant shade of crimson.  
"Your bag." I said, and dropped it at his feet. Then I went and sat next to Sarah, cheeks no doubt burning just as red as his.

Hogwarts, Charms, 12:00 pm

Sirius Black just came over. Wonder what he wants.

Hogwarts, Charms, 12:05 pm

Huh. Guess what he wants?

Nina.

I never really thought about it before, but Nina is actually quite attractive. Shes part Spanish, I think, and has a bit of a big nose which she hates with a passion, but she is also, thanks to her Hispanic heritage, very brown all year round, the lucky thing. Her eyes are sort of pointy looking, in a pretty sort of way, and she has curves – something I do not, and probably never will, posses. I'm flat as a pancake and not nearly as nice tasting.

Black strutted over under the pretense that he needed to borrow some parchment. Which was just stupid because he was sitting on the opposite side of the classroom, and the utter, utter bastard sitting next to him had a large pile of parchment beside him. Plus, neither the bastard nor Sirius were actually doing any work on the silencing Charm (a shame, if you ask me. They could do with a shutting up) that we were meant to be working on. They were just writing god-knows what in Remus' notebook.  
Since when have I started calling him Remus?

However, after she handed him his requested parchment, he stood there and began to talk to her. The conversation went like this:

**Sirius: **So. You live across from James, right?  
**Nina: **Unfortunately.  
**Sirius: **(Laughs) How long have you lived there?  
**Nina: **Since I was three.  
**Sirius: **Really?  
**Nina: **Yes. Really.  
**Sirius: **Uh huh. You going to Hogsmeade next weekend?  
**Nina: **Yes.  
**Me: **She's going with me.  
**Sirius: **Oh. Okay. Thats... nice. Well... see you round, Nina.

Only I don't think he thought it was nice, actually. Because he sounded disappointed.  
What I don't get was that Nina seemed pissed off.  
Nina is irritated a lot. She probably spends at least sixty percent of her time being pissed off at other people. But not at me. She likes me. I pay for her alcohol.

I saved her from from a fate worse than death (If death had a very nicely toned chest and a fantastic bone structure). And she was sneering at him like the dog he is, so she wasn't exactly inviting a date invitation.  
But shes been crabby all afternoon.

I suppose this leaves only one conclusion - my good friend Nina has fallen for Sirius Black.  
Her and half the female body of Hogwarts, not excluding teachers.

Sometimes I fear I am the only sane person in this institution.


	5. In which Remus abhors the days events

_Dorms  
Day 1  
10:47 pm_

_I didn't burn it.  
It's a perfectly good book. Why waste it?  
I cast a Illusion Charm over it. That way it will appear to contain my notes to anyone peeking in._

_Namely Sirius and James._

_I want to make it clear that this is not a diary. This is a notebook. A practical, masculine notebook. Perhaps it is not strictly used for academical notes. But this does not change the fact that it is a notebook.  
In which I do not write my feelings. I simply record the days events for organisational purposes.  
Because writing your feelings down is a distinctly feminine thing to do. _

_I woke up this morning at seven, as per usual. I threw my school robes on, as per usual. I put my books in my bag, as per usual. I am a creature of habit.  
Then I headed down to the prefects bathroom for a shower.  
I showered. Exited the bathroom at about eight fifteen, and headed back towards the common room, where James was already out of bed._

_He was trying to wake Sirius by hitting him over the head with an empty flagon of mead, left over from last nights Back-To-School Party. Which consisted of the two of them getting drunk and making crude jokes.  
At about one in the morning I got so sick of them singing '_100 glasses of firewhisky on the Wall' _that I threatened to curse them if they didn't go to bed. _

_Sirius with a hangover is a formidable thing, and I feared for James life if he succeeded in waking him. So I aided him by dropping my copy of _Advanced Arithmancy _on Sirius' head, which probably weighed almost as much as an iron cauldron. Then I cast alleviation charms on the both of them, dulling the more major after-effects of their alcohol binge. I left the two disgruntled and drowsy, and went downstairs to finish my Summer Potions Essay, which we had in two hours, after History of Magic. _

_However, as I happen to keep a supply of parchment under my bed, I failed to notice that my bag was missing. _

_I didn't miss it at breakfast either - perfectly reasonable, as someone had set off a load of exploding broccoli in the Great Hall. I, sadly, missed out on my morning meal, but I was hardly as disappointed as Sirius, who, as he told me repeatedly, really, really, REALLY needed some coffee. No wonder after last nights antics. Somehow he convinced me to go down to the school kitchens with him to pinch coffee off the house-elves, who were very happy to comply.  
By the time he was finished, we were late for History of Magic. And I still hadn't eaten. _

_Since I had this notebook in my pocket, I didn't realise that my bag wasn't there. In fact, it wasn't until Potions that I noticed my bag was gone. _

_"Professor Slughorn, sir, could I go and get my bag?" I asked the Potions master when he called out my name on the register.  
"Hm. I suppose... You haven't seen Miss Evans this morning, have you Lupin?" he asked. Lily was one of the few students who could arouse his curiosity with their absence - she made the best Potions in the year, as far as I knew.  
"No sir." I said, as I got up from my seat._

_Outside the classroom, I thought about everywhere I had been that morning.  
It wasn't in History of Magic...  
It wasn't in the kitchens...  
It wasn't in the Great Hall...  
It wasn't in the common room...  
It wasn't in -- The Bathroom!_

_I sprinted to the prefect bathroom, and paused at the door. It wasn't locked.  
"Squeaky Clean" I muttered, and entered. _

_And heard a scream.  
A girl screaming.  
Lily screaming.  
Who wasn't wearing much at the time.  
Anything.  
At all._

_I looked away.  
Obviously.  
"Oh Merlin. I'm really sorry Lily." I said, very quickly. And then I shut the door and sprinted back to Potions, trying to put as much distance as possible between me and that room. _

_Maybe half an hour or so later, Lily appeared, blushing fiercely.  
To my horror, she walked up to my desk, bag in hand, and mumbled  
"Your bag,"  
Then she dropped it at my feet and sat down at a desk as far away from me as possible._

_I can't blame her. I walked in on her in the bath. She probably thinks I'm some sort of evil bathroom peeper.  
But you can't blame me either. She hadn't even locked the door. _

_Nothing else that happened today is important._

_Apart from McGonagall interrogating me, James and Peter about this mornings 'Exploding Broccoli Fiasco'.  
"The only time we don't do something, and we get in trouble for it!" Sirius scowled.  
"Lets find out who did it, and pummel them." said James.  
I didn't bother to remind them that this morning they thought it was a brilliant prank. _

_But that has no significance compared to what we shall now call 'The Prefects Bathroom Fiasco'._

_Why do these things always happen to me?_

_--_

_Dorms  
Day 2  
1:20 am_

_Cannot sleep for the anvil of guilt in my stomach._

_What would James think if he knew? He's liked Lily since he saw her step off the train in third year.  
She had developed over the summer. _

_Maybe I should tell him._

_No. It's nothing important. He doesn't need to know every single triviality that occurs during my day.  
Even if it does involve a naked Lily. _

_Then why do I feel so guilty?_

_--_

_Dorms  
Day 2  
1:40 am_

_I know why I feel guilty.  
__Because I liked it.  
__Oh shit._


	6. In which Maruders get letters from home

_Dear Sirius, _

_I have recently received a letter from your head of house regarding an explosion in the Great Hall.  
YOUV'E BEEN BACK THERE ONE BLOODY DAY, AND ALREADY YOU AND YOUR BLOODY FRIENDS HAVE STARTED BLOWING THINGS UP!  
IF I GET ONE MORE LETTER FROM THE SCHOOL TELLING ME THAT MY SON HAS HEXED A STUDENT, OR SMASHED UP THE TRANSFIGURATION DEPARTMENT, OR BEEN UP AFTER HOURS, I SWEAR, SIRIUS BLACK, I AM DISOWNING YOU!  
WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? HE'S NEVER PUT A TOE OUT OF LINE!  
YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, YOUNG MAN!_

_Sincerely,  
Mother_

_

* * *

_

**Dear Mother,**

**I apologise for upsetting you. Thank you for the Howler.  
Might I advise you go fuck yourself?**

**Lots of Love,**

**Your eldest and least favorite son,**

**Sirius**

**

* * *

**

_James,_

_What's this I hear about you blowing up the Great Hall? James, I understand that school is a stressful place, and that you often need to let off steam. But you've only been at school for a day and I've already got a letter from Professor McGonagall claiming you've been decimating school property.  
If you can't find a better way to release stress then I might just have to cut your allowance._

_Mother_

_

* * *

_

Dear Mother,

For the record, I am not responsible for blowing up the Great Hall. I don't know who did it, but it wasn't me. Or any of my friends, for that matter.  
Please don't cut my allowance. I need that money for dungbombs.

James

* * *

_James, _

_As much as I would like to believe you, I highly doubt that the Professors would have written to me had they not sound proof that you were the culprit.  
Frankly James, what concerns me was that when I read the letter I wasn't surprised. This suggests that I have grown so accustomed to your misdemeanors that I am unable to be shocked by anything you do anymore.  
I really am worried about you._

_Your loving Mother. _

_

* * *

_

Dear Mother,

No need to be worried. I shall present to you the flimsy evidence that led to us being blamed for the Explosive Incident in the Great Hall. (Note that 'we' refers to me, Sirius, Remus and Peter)

A. We were uncharacteristically awake at the time of the explosion.  
B. We were not in our common rooms at the time of the explosion.  
C. We were a quarter of an hour late for class.  
D. Everything that goes wrong in this school generally involves me and/or Sirius.

And thats it.

So really you don't need to worry. Because yes, we were late to class, and not in our common rooms and that, but thats because we had discovered the Hall had exploded and so we went down to steal food from the kitchens, because Sirius said he really needed some coffee. Which was understandable because he had the mother of all hangovers since me and him had a bit of a 'Welcome back to Hogwarts' party, but I had less to drink because I passed out for a bit...

Anyhoo, we are totally innocent. Of that particular crime.

From your loving, innocent, kind and caring son  
James

* * *

**_Remus,_ **

_**I understand that you were involved in the desecration of the Great Hall.  
Your excuse better be a bloody good one.**_

_**Mum**_

* * *

_Dear Mum,_

_It's all Sirius and James' doing. I am just an innocent bystander. Did I tell you I got 112 percent on my Back to School Charms quiz?_

_Love Remus._

* * *

_**Dear Remus,**_

_**You should really pick your friends more wisely, you know.  
But 112 percent is a very good mark. I'm proud of you.  
Maybe you should think about making some friends that don't get you a months worth of detentions. **_

_**Love Mum  
xxxooo**_

* * *

To my Darling boy,

I've enclosed your monthly allowance. Don't you go spending it all at once!  
Your head of house owled me the other day to tell me that you were involved in some sort of explosion. Are you ok?

I love you,  
Mummy

_**

* * *

**_

_**To Mum, **_

Thank you. I promise I will spend it all on quills.  
The teachers were saying that I helped cause the explosion, but it was all Sirius and James. I wasn't involved at all. I was asleep.

Love Peter

* * *

**So. A months worth of detentions for something we didn't actually do.  
How did your parents take it?**

My mother says that I need to find a better way to release stress and that nothing I do surprises her any more. She may cut my allowance.

_My mother was mortified until I told her my results for the Charms Quiz. Then she brightened up and forgot all about it._

What Charms quiz?

_The one I invented so as to not get punished by my mother._

Ah.

**I suppose you heard my mother?**

Us and the entire population of Hogwarts.

_How did you reply to her letter?_

**I told her to fuck herself.**

_Wow._

You are disowned for sure.

**I doubt she'll let me back in the house.**

Nah. You'll be sweet, so long as you say sorry.

_Perhaps you should repent your sins and apologise to the satanic hag._

**Did you just call my mother a satanic hag?**

Look, I know she's your mother but mate, you have to admit, she's a bit of a --

**Bitch?**

Um, yeah.

**I prefer to call her a -**

* * *

**Double detention with McGonagall for the use of coarse language during her class.**

**I now have seven more detentions than you Prongs.**

Really? Watch this.

* * *

Triple detention with McGonagall for the abuse of a fellow student. 

**Did you see Snivellus' face when he realised his toenails were that long? Priceless. **

_He's livid. I'd watch my backs if I were either of you - thats twice you've hexed him in the space of two days. He'll be pining for your blood. _

Shut it Moony. This may be the best thing that happens to me today, what with two detentions this afternoon.

_Have you seen Peter recently?_

**Come to think of it, not since this morning. He definitely got his letter, he got his pocket money – he was really exited. But then he saw something and he ran off... I remember because it was odd. **

_What was odd?_

**Well, he ran. Pete doesn't run anywhere. **

Shut up. We were feeling sympathetic for my multiple detentioned state, remember?

_You brought it on yourself, you know._


	7. In which Potions is enjoyed by all

_James:_

James Potter most definitely does not write in a diary.  
This is, for the record, not a diary.  
It's a journal.

I'm sure you're thinking that journals and diaries are exactly the same thing, but you are wrong.  
So wrong.

Diaries are small fluffy pink books that girls write in. They either write down every single detail of their perfect lives, moan about being fat or bitch at all the girls in their year.  
But this is a journal. If you opened up a journal you would not find out what the writer ate for breakfast. If you opened up a journal you would not hear about how the boy the writer has crushed on for years told her she was ugly. And if you opened up a journal you would not find the words 'Some silly slag got such a hideous haircut over the holidays and she is a cow,'

If you opened up a journal, say, for instance, this one, you would find that the writer had documented every prank he had ever pulled.  
Also some other crap.  
Which will not be about Lily Evans.  
Well, not all of it.

3rd September, After Care of Magical Creatures

Despite what I said above about documenting all the pranks I pull, I think it is necessary to, in this case, document a prank I did not pull.  
On the Second of September (Which, in future, I will call SOS), while many people were breakfasting, the Great Hall exploded. Thankfully, I was not in the assaulted area at the time of detonation. It would have been tragic to lose someone so young, talented and devastatingly handsome (Ok, so no-one died. But a few people got nasty bruises falling off their chairs).  
Interested in this unusual event, I asked on of the survivors what had happened. I shall now record my interview with a shell shocked student.

Me: Oi! Meadowes! Hold up a bit.  
D.M: What do you want, Potter?  
Me: What happened this morning?  
D.M: What do you mean?  
Me: In the Great Hall.  
D.M: (Laughs attractively, tosses blonde tresses) You'd know better than me, wouldn't you, Potter?  
Me: Why? I wasn't there.  
D.M: Yes, but you did it, didn't you?  
Me: No...  
D.M: (Seems surprised) Really? Everyone thinks you did.  
Me: Hm. Right. Well, what happened?  
D.M: I was eating, and there was this big green flash and the broccoli exploded.  
Me: The broccoli?  
D.M: I think it was the broccoli. The explosion definitely came from the plate of broccoli on the Gryffindor table.  
Me: Are you sure it was broccoli?  
D.M: It was green.  
Me: Right. Well, thats helpful. See you round, Meadowes.  
D.M: Wait - James, are you going to Hogsmeade next week?  
Me: Sure.  
D.M: Would you like to, um, go with me?

It was at that moment that Lily Evans chose to walk past, red hair tousled and damp, cheeks flushed and head bent. It should be illegal to look that gorgeous at such an early hour.  
Understandably, I was struck by her beauty, with an overwhelming urge to jump on her. Torn between keeping my dignity (and my balls, knowing Lily's temperament, and guessing what her immediate reaction would be when jumped on) and fulfilling my desire, I went into vegetable mode.

D.M: James?  
Me: Mm. Yes. Very good.  
D.M: Great! I'll see you next Saturday!

"What?" I said groggily, but too late - Meadows had already headed off to her next class.  
It took me a few seconds to register that I'd agreed to go on a date with her.  
Ah well. I'll count my lucky stars it wasn't Theresa Urquhart there when I had my short term brain damage.  
At least Meadows has all her teeth.

Anyway. The point is, I am now absolutely sure that someone planted (or threw) a platter of Ogden McBooms Exploding Broccoli on the Gryffindor table.  
Which leads to two more questions:  
1. Who planted the Broccoli?  
and  
2. Why did they plant the Broccoli?  
Neither have easy answers. However, I am determined to find out who the offender is. Not just because I am serving a month of detentions on their behalf, but also because they may be rivals for the Marauders.  
In both cases, they will have to be exterminated.

Lily just walked past again, looking stunning. She has a nasty habit of doing that.

**What, walking?**

Piss off, Padfoot.

**Why don't you just ask her out?**

Can't. I'm going to Hogsmeade with Meadowes.

**Meadowes from Ravenclaw?**

Yes.

**She's lovely.**

Hmph.

**But you like Lily.**

Duh.

**Nina just walked in. Must go and charm her with my wit and supreme intelligence. See you in a bit. **

He is gone now.

Well, Meadowes is no Evans, of course. But Sirius has a point, and she seemed fairly enthusiastic. Maybe I could make Lily jealous by snogging her all over the place?  
I should probably write my Potions Essay. Then maybe I'll get a really good grade, and impress Lily. Or better yet, impress Slughorn, get to be a member of his little club, and get to go to his parties. With Lily.

A tricky task. Potions is in half an hour.  
But still. It's brilliant. A flawless plan. Must write essay.

Over and Out,  
J.P

--

_Sirius: _

**Dear Diary,**

**Yesterday, I fell under the spell of the beautiful Nina Agglebury. Despite the fact that he is less intelligent, handsome and popular than me, I envy James, for he has lived next door to her for twelve years.  
Why was I not born so lucky?  
I've been asking him questions about her non-stop since I saw her across the Charms classroom, and here are some of the results:**

**Facts About Nina:  
. She is two months younger than James.  
. She likes to play loud music at all hours of the night.  
. She likes to talk and insult James at every opportunity.  
. She has a Comet 220 that she rides often.  
. She has a pet Crup that likes to bite James. James has tried drowning it, but he got caught by Nina.  
. She has a very good aim. **

**I asked her to Hogsmeade but James' bitch Evans stuck her nose in and ruined it all.  
And James got Nina as a partner for the Potions assignment, rather than me.  
I hate Slughorn.**

**But I will get the girl in the end.  
As I always do. **

**- Sirius**

--

_Lily:_

Hogwarts, Common Room, 5:11 pm

If yesterday, I thought I could not possibly be more traumatized, embarrassed, humiliated and upset, I was wrong.  
I have been wrong quite a bit lately.

I had Potions again today, which would usually make me happy. Potions is one of my best subjects, and it helps that the teacher adores me.  
Today we were meant to be making a Strengthening Solution, which I would usually enjoy.  
But, as a Gryffindor fifth year, Remus is in the same class. This made enjoying my Solution difficult.

After inspecting the product of our labour, ("Excellent Miss Evans!") Professor Slughorn sat back on his throne at the front of the class and pulled out a roll of parchment from his desk draw.  
"Now. As you may know, this year we are beginning our work on Everlasting Elixirs. This is a subject generally only tackled in sixth year classes, but if you all want cover Resistive Potions before our O.W.Ls, which I assure you you need to do, then you have to work on this first.  
"There are many forms of Everlasting Elixirs, and many different ways to get them wrong, so you need to study as though your life depends on it. Who knows - maybe it will some day,"  
Slughorn chuckled. He seemed to think he had said something very clever.  
"So what you need to do is study the four main variations, and write me a lovely long essay on each, including the method, obviously, the subtle differences between each, and the countless easy ways you can go wrong. The rest of the criteria is on the board," - he flicked his wrist and it appeared.  
This was followed by a collective groan.

"Now now, settle down. You'll be doing the study in pairs, so you'll only have to do half the work!"  
And he began to read off the parchment of DOOM.  
"Daniel Frobisher and Sarah Thompson will be working together.  
Annabelle Stimpson and Edmond Carmichael.  
Lily Evans and James Potter."

When hell freezes over.

"Professor?"  
"Yes, Miss Evans?"  
"Could I change partners? Please?"  
"If you have a legitimate reason,"  
"Potter is an idiot. There would be too much friction between us I won't be able to study for the project with him distracting me. ," I said, with a perfectly strait face.  
This caused most of the classroom to 'ooooooooooooh!'ing noises. I smiled sweetly at Professor Slughorn and, after a moments thought, he sighed and said:

"I suppose, Miss Evans.  
Lily Evans and Remus Lupin, and Mr Potter can go with Miss Agglebury"

Shit.

Why can't I just leave well enough alone?

"On second thought, Professor, could I go back to Potter?"  
Collective titters.  
Slughorn smiled.  
"Theres no pleasing you, is there Miss Evans? No, I think you two will be fine together,"  
By now I was desperate.  
"Please, sir, "  
"No, Evans. And thats my final word on the matter," He said, although he sounded more amused than stern.

I lay my head between my arms and wondered why the world hated me.

_--_

_James:_

3rd September, End of Day

I hate Slughorn.  
I hate Potions.  
Potions is the crappiest class on the planet.

So, for our big Potions Assignment, I got paired up with Lily. I could actually hear the hallelujah chorus.  
But then Miss Evans sticks up her hand and tells him she does not want to be my partner.  
Of course, being Sluggy's favorite student, she gets what she wants, and so he pairs her with Moony instead.  
Despite my bitter disappointment, I thought she would be quite happy with this. But then she sticks up her hand and asks to be my partner again.  
I tried to catch Slughorn's eye in the hope that I could hypnotize him into saying yes. Even though I know nothing about hypnosis. I could do it if my will was strong enough.  
But he didn't agree to her demands. I guess theres only so much blatant favoritism you can show in a day.

But what could Remus possibly do to make me a preferable partner? Lily hates me.

I know, its little depressing that the girl I've liked for five years would like nothing other than to disembowel me.  
Rather depressed,  
J.P

--

_Remus:_

_Common Room, After Potions.  
Day 2  
5:05 pm_

_Fuck it all to hell. _


	8. In which Cupid is on crack

_ Remus:_

_Common Room  
Day 3  
11:18 pm_

_If you were an animate object, rather than a book, you would perhaps wonder what I am doing in the Common Room at quarter past eleven at night.  
But you are, in fact, a notebook, which means you are incapable of conscious thought. Actually, you are incapable of any type of thought.  
And yes, I am stalling.  
I am stalling from you, an inanimate object, who is, as I mentioned above, incapable of conscious thought. _

_The voice inside my head is telling me that I have have psychological problems if I am unable to confide my secrets in a book specifically designed for confiding my secrets in._

_I sometimes wonder if I am schizophrenic. How do you tell?  
I have many multiple personalities.  
To begin with, there is the most obvious - blood sucking, liver devouring, evil werewolf Remus.  
Then there is the book reading, homework doing, sesquipedalian, quiet and completely asexual Remus, who is in control of my mind a majority of the time.  
And thirdly there is the Remus that dwells on the Fiasco involving the Prefects Bathroom, who thinks that Lily Evans is very pretty, and who secretly harbours a desire that she will press him against a wall and snog him. _

_We shall call the first one Were-Remus.  
We shall call the second one Mild-Remus.  
And we shall call the third one Bob._

_I fear that one day Bob will be eaten by Were-Remus and Mild-Remus will sit reading a book, not having the courage to intervene._

_I fear for my own sanity. I need some chocolate._

_There. I feel so much calmer now. Chocolate is the cure for everything.  
Except for Bob's Lily-Lust.  
And Lycanthropy. _

_I am up at this hour because I have still not managed to remove the anvil of guilt tangled up in my innards. It has moved from my stomach to my intestines. Which, as you can imagine (or could imagine if you were not inanimate and incapable of conscious thought) is quite uncomfortable.  
I should probably tell James._

_Were-Remus: No. He will try and eat you.  
Mild-Remus: He will be grateful that you confessed the truth to him. There is no reason for him to be as infuriated as our lycanthropic friend so crudely described.  
Bob: It's no big deal. So, you saw her... without anything on. James or Sirius would tell tales of such a venture as though it were a conquest. You, however, are above that. Its not really a big deal. No need to repeat it. James' feelings would get hurt.  
Were-Remus: And he would try and eat you.  
Bob: Probably.  
Mild-Remus: You are both being irrational. James is our friend. Surely he values our friendship more than a girl!  
Bob: How can you say that after the Fiasco Involving the Prefects Bathroom? I mean, you saw her. You have to admit that James' infatuation is not entirely... unfounded.  
Were-Remus: Yes. Lily would taste good with a little bit of salt. Yum yum.  
Bob: Yum yum indeed...  
Mild-Remus: Mind. Gutter. Out.  
Bob: Sorry. But back on topic... Lets take a vote on whether or not to tell James about the Fiasco Involving the Prefects Bathroom.  
What do you say, Mild-Remus?  
Mild-Remus: I say, we should tell him.  
Were-Remus: Do you value our life? If we tell him, he will rip out our intestines. Believe me, I know the urge. Its impossible to resist. I say no.  
Bob: I have to agree with Were-Remus.  
Mild-Remus: You just want it to be your little secret so you can be guilty about not telling James, and have an excuse to dwell on the Incident happily.  
Bob: That is totally untrue.  
Were-Remus: Ahem.  
Mild-Remus: (Coughs)  
Bob: Whether I feel like that or not, you've been outvoted, Mild-Remus. Now go back to the cranial Library. _

_Evidently I am going mad from sleep deprivation. I should probably go to bed. _

_Lily just came in.  
More later. _

_--_

_Dorms  
Day 3  
Ten minutes or so later_

_This is what happened._

_Lily: (Walks in, sees me and turns a violent shade of red) Remus! What are you doing here?  
Remus: Erm... thinking.  
(Bob: Real smooth, wolf-boy)  
Remus: What were you doing?  
Lily: (Turns redder) I was going to go for a walk.  
Remus: In the middle of the night?  
Lily: Yes. On the grounds. I like walking in the moonlight. It helps me... clear my thoughts.  
(Were-Remus: (Howls at moon)  
Remus: I'm really sorry abou-  
Lily: I'm so sorry-  
Remus: I shouldn't have barged in like that.  
Lily: I should have locked the door.  
Remus & Lily: It's not your fault!  
(Both go even redder)  
Remus:Well, erm...  
Lily: Yes, I should be...  
Remus: Yes.  
Lily: Well, goodnight.  
(Turns to leave)  
Lily: Oh, and erm... about that Potions assignment. I know it's awkward for the both of us but we should at the very least try and get a decent mark.  
Remus: Yes.  
Lily: So I'll meet you in the library at four tomorrow, okay? We can work on it there.  
Remus: Oh. Alright.  
Lily: Goodnight. Again.  
Remus: Yes.  
(Bob: Snog her! Snog her!)  
Remus: (Softly) Goodnight.  
(Exit Lily stage right)_

_Mild-Remus was forced shortly afterwards to petrify and gag Bob, and levitate him into his trunk where he will stay locked until after tomorrows study session. Possibly forever. _

_I really am insane. _

_Must sleep._

_--_

_Lily:_

4th September, Female Dorms, Gryffindor Tower, 12:02 am

The world is a cruel and unfair place.

I couldn't sleep. I was thinking too much about what happened in the bathroom. So I decided to go on a walk in the grounds - a habit I developed in my third year. It's surprisingly calming to be out there at night. It's nice and peaceful. I can lie on my back, just gazing at the stars. It's a lovely feeling, looking up at the vast night sky, and wondering how the trivialities in my life can seem so colossal compared to them.  
The hard bit is getting out there. And getting back in again. I've narrowly missed being caught by Filch several times, which is why I save my nighttime walks for serious pondering.  
This was an occasion in which I desperately needed to go for a walk. Clear my head, and throw out all the crazy garbage festering in there.

But I didn't get to go on my walk. You know why?  
Remus bloody Lupin.

He was sitting in the common room, alone on an old armchair, curled up like a cat and writing something in a notebook. I wanted to yell at him for being up so late, but he looked so frail in the moonlight. His skin was tinged with gray and he had humongous bags under his eyes. He seemed so... tired. Not just like he needed a decent coffee. Tired inwardly.  
Before I knew I was a witch, my grandmother had a stroke. She was pretty damn old, so the medical staff thought, 'Well, we might as well keep her in hospital anyway. She'll be popping her clogs soon anyway,', resulting in her pretty much lying in a hospital bed for an entire year.  
The last time I went and saw her before she died, she had an expression on her face identical to the one on Remus'. Like she was just... tired of everything. Tired of life.  
Maybe Remus has cancer or something.

Anyway. He saw me. The below conversation followed.

"Remus! What are you doing here?"  
_Oh shit. I've been caught and I've only been out of bed about a minute.  
_"Erm... thinking."  
_Piss off, you nosy bitch.  
_"What were you doing?"  
_Tell me your intentions for the night or Filch will know you've been up out of bed...  
_"I was going to go for a walk"  
_Empty threat, my friend.  
_"In the middle of the night?"  
_A likely story.  
_"Yes. On the grounds. I like walking in the moonlight. It helps me... clear my thoughts"  
_Nina's snores are less cacophonous out there.  
_"I'm really sorry about-"  
_Don't tell anyone I'm a bathroom perv, okay?  
_"I'm so sorry-"  
_Don't worry. I won't reveal your secret identity.  
_"I shouldn't have barged in like that."  
_By the way, you have a fantastic body.  
_"I should have locked the door."  
_Why thank you.  
_"It's not your fault!" (We both said this at the same time)  
_So... why don't me and you get together sometime and I can gawk some more at those boobs of yours.  
_"Well, erm..."  
_It'll cost you three galleons.  
_"Yes, I should be..."  
_Saturday good for you?  
_"Yes."  
_Uh huh.  
_"Well, goodnight."  
_You can go now.  
_"Oh, and erm... about that Potions assignment. I know it's awkward for the both of us but we should at the very least try and get a decent mark"  
_Just because you saw me naked does not mean that you don't have to do any of the work.  
_"Yes."  
_Not do any of the work? Lily, have you ever actually seen me without a book or quill at hand?  
_"So I'll meet you in the library at four tomorrow, okay? We can work on it there."  
_I guess not. So you can't excuse yourself from this, because you love studying!  
_"Oh. Alright."  
_Crap.  
_"Goodnight. Again."  
_Kiss me, you fool!  
_"Yes."  
_Lily, I have to tell you something.  
IM GAY.  
_"Goodnight"

READ BETWEEN THE LINES.  
Not really. I'm just tired, which results in temporary madness. Insomnia's a bitch.  
I doubt Remus is gay.  
Although as far as I know, he's never had a girlfriend.  
And I don't want him to kiss me.  
Much.  
Maybe a little.

I think I like Remus Lupin.

I think Cupid has been spending too much time looking at the bottom of a barrel of mead.

--

_Lily:_

4th September, Female Dorms, Gryffindor Tower, 9:34 pm

This afternoon did not go well.  
For one thing, I arrived at four thirty. When I entered, Remus asked me politely what had held me up. I asked him what he meant. It was only then that I discovered my watch was running half an hour late.  
While he was waiting, Remus had begun work, and had already assembled half a roll of parchment in notes. And his writing is really, really tiny.  
We then spent the remaining hour in awkward silence. I was unable to concentrate in his presence and kept wondering whether he was gay or not, which caused me to read sentences over and over without taking in a single word. So needless to say, I didn't write down many notes. By the end of it he had about two rolls of parchment and I had about two sentences.  
He was very nice about this, and did not comment on it, but looked grumpy. I don't blame him - if I was him I would have screamed at me. Then again, if I were him, I would have snogged me by now.  
Okay, so I wouldn't have.  
But I wish he would.

--

_Remus:_

_Dorms  
Day 4  
10:18 pm_

_I've developed a habit of writing in this notebook at night, haven't I?  
I'm too busy in the day, I guess. _

_This afternoons study session with Lily went relatively well as far as our interaction went. If non-existent is relatively well.  
I was in a a bad mood - it's the full moon tomorrow - and she seemed rather preoccupied too, so we didn't talk much.  
Not that we would have anyway.  
So we just sat there and worked. I didn't even read the notes she made. I couldn't be bothered.  
We are having another session on Monday.  
The moon is almost full outside my window.  
I wish tomorrow was over already._


	9. In which Remus' sexuality is questioned

_James:_

5th September, Lunch

Remus is sitting across from me, looking tired and vacant. No wonder - it's full moon tonight. But in a few months we'll be able to accompany him. We're almost finished our... project.  
Sirius is walking over. He is going to ask me questions about Nina, I can tell. I shall pretend I cannot hear him.

**Stop pretending you can't hear me.**

Sorry, I can't hear you.

**I don't want to talk about Nina.**

You lie.

**Seriously.**

Siriusly?

**That joke was not funny the first time. It's not funny the sixteenth million time either.**

You killjoy. What do you want to talk about then?

**Do you know where Peter's been going? I haven't seen much of him recently.**

Where is he now?

**Dunno. He's not at the table. **

Well I don't know where he's been going either.

**Ah well. I'll ask him next time I see him.**

My lunch is calling to me. I must eat.  
-JP

--

_James:_

6th September, Common Room

Lily is sitting with Remus. They are discussing their Potions project. She's sitting down and leaning over her book. Her top is a little bit loose... I bet you can see right down it from where Moony is sitting.  
Stupid fucking Slughorn.  
But he wont look. He doesn't go for girls.  
Or for guys.  
Moony doesn't go for anyone.

Hey! He's looking. Our Remus, all grown up, peeping down Evansies shirt!  
Bastard.

**And here was me, thinking he was a eunuch. **

You've really got to stop writing in here, you know.

**In your diary?**

It is not a DIARY! It's a journal.

**Same thing.**

No, they're not.

**Yes, they are.**

Are not.

**Are too.**

Are not.

**Are too.**

Are not.

**Are not.**

Are too.

Dammit.

**It's OK, Prongs. I have one too.**

A Journal?

**A diary. **

You have a diary?

**One as sexy as I has to keep track of his girlfriends somewhere. **

Queer.

**Mate, I'm not queer. Ask any one of my eighty three ex-girlfriends. **

Someone's in _denial..._

**Look, you have a diary too.**

ITS A JOURNAL!

**OK, calm down. Anyway, back on topic. You were getting pissed at Moony for showing signs of heterosexuality. **

Oh yeah. Stupid werewolf. Lily is mine!

**Despite the fact she hates you, is unaware of your devotion to her and that you are dating another girl.**

What? Who am I dating?

**Dorcas Meadowes, you silly shit.**

Ah. I forgot about that.

**You are going with Hogsmeade with her this coming weekend.**

Crap.

**Prongs, that is GOOD. Meadowes is HOT. With really big B-**

_What are you two writing?_

We were discussing your sexuality.

_What the hell?_

**Yes. We revised our previous decision that you were gay.**

Or maybe he bats for both sides...

**Maybe... Moony, are you bisexual?**

_Yes, Sirius, I am bisexual._

I KNEW IT!

_James, that was sarcasm. _

Oh.

_How did you two get to be discussing my sexuality anyway?_

**Prongs saw you looking down Evans' top.**

You bastard.

_You are perverted sociopathic gits. You know that?_

**But you were.**

_I was not!_

Look, Moony, you were. We saw you.

_I was not!_

**Oh, sorry. Obviously, the Formula for Everlasting Elixirs was written on the lining of her bra.**

Stop discussing the lining of Evans bra. She is mine!

_Prongs, you are delusional. Both of you. Goodnight. _

Pads, you aren't the only one in denial.

**I AM NOT A POOF.**

-JP

--

_Remus:_

_Hospital Wing  
Day 7  
12:09 pm_

_My transformation is over, thank Merlin. Now I'm in recovery. I'll be out tomorrow. Have sustained a nasty scar on my back that is unlikely to ever heal properly.  
But I don't really want to reminisce about it. I have other issues to mull over.  
Like James.  
He is suspicious of my intentions with Lily.  
He claims he saw me looking down her shirt, and now he practically wants to chaperon our studying. Idiot.  
I was, but that is entirely beside the point.  
He's just jealous.  
We are going to the library again on Monday._

_Bob: This will be our chance to snog her.  
Mild-Remus: No. She probably will not appreciate being snogged by someone she thinks is an evil bathroom peeper. Plus, if we start up a relationship with Lily as anything other than work mates, social interactions could cut down on study time, causing our overall grade level to drop.  
Were-Remus: Lets just eat her. _

_Have to go. Madam Pomfery is coming with my lunch._

_--_

_She told me not to 'overexert myself'.  
I was tempted to ask whether snogging counts. _


	10. In which Peter is found and ridiculed

_ Remus:_

_Dorms  
Day 9  
11:22 pm_

_Monday was not the terror I forecast it to be.  
It was much, much worse._

_When I arrived, the library seemed to have the eerie air of a place in which a horror is about to occur.  
Lily, however, was looking very pretty, with her hair up in a messy bun. _

_Lily: Hi Remus! I found some stuff on the concoction of Melo-- Remus, whats wrong?  
Remus: I was...erm... just thinking.  
(Bob: About you, baby.)  
Lily: Right. Well, I found some information on Melodic Draughts, so I thought we could work on comparing the notes we've taken previously to this stuff I've got now, and then we can cobble together the essay, okay?  
Remus: Okay. Shall I work on this pile?  
Lily: That would be great. _

_Then she smiled. _

_When Lily smiles, she lights up the entire room. I stared at her for a few minutes, mouth slightly open, drool possibly dripping down my chin, before getting to my work.  
We'd been labouring through the tedious notes for about half an hour when I heard a scream.  
"What was that?" Lily asked, her head emerging from a particularly large and monotonous looking book. I suspected from her manner that she had dozed off and had only just been woken.  
"Someone screamed" I said anxiously.  
"Oh. It'll be nothing. Go back to slee- I mean, lets get back to work." she blushed slightly. _

_But it was not nothing._

_"HELP! HELP! I'M ON FIRE! HELP!"  
And Peter Pettigrew came running into the library, trousers aflame._

_After extinguishing Peter, I excused myself from a bewildered Lily to question Peter, promising I would return later.  
We hadn't seen Peter in a while now, and me, Sirius and James had all been getting worried.  
Well, I had been getting worried, and after I reminded them that he was missing, they pretended to be worried too._

_I fetched Sirius and James, whom I both found feasting in the kitchen, and brought the matter to their attention.  
We then held a conference in the boys dorms. _

_James: Right. Peter, where the fuck have you been?  
Peter: Hiding...  
Remus: Hiding from who?  
Peter: From... them!  
Remus, Sirius & James: ...  
Sirius: Thanks for explaining yourself properly, Peter. It would have been really irritating if you hadn't.  
Remus: What Sirius is trying to ask is could you be a little less... vague? Perhaps you could name the persecutors that have frightened you into hiding?  
James: So we can pummel them.  
Sirius: Damn straight.  
Peter: Pucey... McNair... Sn - sn -sna...  
James: Snape?  
Peter: (Nods vigorously)  
James: What did they do?  
Sirius: What did **you** do?  
Peter: (Trembles slightly) I heard them... talking...  
Remus: Talking about what?  
Peter: He... he... He Who... must... Not be Named.  
Remus, Sirius & James: (Shock, horror, disbelief, and so on)  
Remus: You must have heard them wrong, Peter. They wouldn't...  
Sirius: (Darkly) This is Snape we're talking about. I doubt there's anything he wouldn't do.  
James: He wouldn't dye his hair pink...  
Peter: He wouldn't ask you to the ball, Sirius.  
James: Unless this pink hair was an signal for Death Eaters to surround Hogwarts... And asking you to the ball was involved a diabolical plan involving your assassination, Padfoot...  
(Both James and Sirius giggle)  
Sirius: Okay, shut up now. Be serious.  
James: Be Sirius?  
Sirius: (Snarls) One more time, James, and I promise, it'll be your last...  
James: (Backs away slowly) Calm down, mate. No more name jokes, I swear.  
Sirius: What were they saying, Peter?  
Peter: I've... forgotten.  
James: Peter, you can tell us. They'll never know.  
Peter: Well... They were... talking about... Him... and... well... I didn't hear much... but... Snape... was offered... a position... as...a... Death Eater... I think, it sounded like it... but they were using code almost... speaking in riddles...  
Sirius: What?  
James: What did they say next?  
Peter: I didn't get to hear... they saw me... and chased me...  
Sirius: And set your pants on fire?  
Peter: No, that was... I tried to run to Gryffindor tower, but I crashed into a girl... then the Hall exploded, and I ran off.  
Remus: Then why were your pants on fire?  
Peter: Well... that all happened on the second day back...  
James: What?  
Sirius: Then where have you been all this time?  
Peter: They've been watching me... I have to keep hiding and running from them...  
James: Okay, so you've been hiding from mad would-be Death Eaters for the past seven days. But why were your pants on fire?  
Peter: I.. um... -(mumbles)  
Remus: Speak up.  
Peter: (mumbles some more)  
Sirius: You what?  
Peter: I SET THEM ON FIRE BY ACCIDENT! OKAY?  
(A short pause)  
Remus, Sirius & James: (Much hysterical laughing, rolling on the floor and wiping tears from eyes followed)  
Peter: It's not funny!  
Remus: Yes, it is!  
James: Are you kidding? It's hilarious!  
Sirius: I haven't laughed this hard since James got drunk and dressed up in his mothers dress robes!  
(All howl with laughter)  
Remus: (After composing myself) But Peter, how on earth did you manage to conflagrate yourself?  
Peter: I was hiding in a closet from Pucey, and... well, I was a bit squashed... and I kept poking myself with my wand by accident...  
Sirius: (Bangs head on bedside table and laughs so hard he begins to cough) My god Peter. It'll be a wonder if you pass your OWL's with talent like yours!  
(More laughter)  
James: But seriously. Snape is going... dark?  
Remus: Don't be thick. He's fifteen. They would have just been... talking about His activities recently... what they know from the Daily Prophet and things.  
Sirius: Pants... on... fire... (Floor rolling, barking laughter, etc.) _

_And then Frank came up so we quietened down and went to bed.  
It was then I realised that I hadn't gone back to see Lily._


	11. In which Nina makes a grandote discovery

_Nina:_

**I'm worried about Lily.  
She's drunk all my booze again.  
This is out of character for her. Lily does not approve of alcohol.**

**Not even social drinking.**

**She's funny as hell and brilliant company, but ever since she got drunk last year and ended up singing 'Puff the Magic Dragon' on stage, she hasn't touched a drop of the stuff.  
Maybe this year she'll let herself go a little. She's so uptight. Then again, she is now a prefect. Which seems to make her think that she is second only to god. **

**I remember the times when Lily was the troublemaker. The midget with The Hair, who whacked Malfoy on the head with a collapsible cauldron for calling her a Mudblood.  
And I was the shapeless little brunette with a Lisp, attitude problems and a scowl that burns holes in walls. According to Lily, little has changed, aside from the Lisp.  
She is the only one who dare mention it, without taking a trip to the Hospital Wing shortly afterwards.  
James can back me up there.**

**I've lived across the road from James Potter since I was three years old.  
One of my earliest memories is a five year old James asking me to marry him. I proceeded to throw a brick at him.  
But Lily is above throwing bricks. Then again, he hasn't asked her to marry him.  
Yet.  
A few glasses of firewhisky may alter that.  
His adoration of my red-headed friend is amusing for the reason that Lily is completely and utterly oblivious to his affections.  
You think she would have noticed. He drools on sight of her. But she has, alas, never been one for love. She tends to only like perfect men. Handsome, intelligent, passionate, artsy and fashionable men. Unfortunately, most of the men who meet the above criteria are gay gay gay. But Lily generally only discovers out after she asks them out. **

**Surprisingly, she hasn't had a boyfriend since third year.  
Although, due to recent developments, this may change...**

**For the past four days or so Lily has not been herself. She has been vacant, dreamy, easy to startle and inattentive. As final proof that something is amiss, she has not folded her socks.  
They are lying crumpled on the dorm floor.  
CRUMPLED, I tell you.  
I know Lily. Sock folding is her life. Something is very, very wrong.**

**I found her sitting in the library today, gazing at a particularly nasty looking text book, but obviously not taking in a word of it. She was in a dream state. Practical, sensible, logical Lily, just sitting there. Not reading the large book in front of her. Dreadful and strange things are obviously happening inside that girls mind.**

**"Lily, for gods sake, what are you doing? It's dinner time." I folded my arms and glared at her. My glares have caused many a pot plant to burst into flame, but not Lily. She just looks at me in surprise and says  
"What?"**

**"Di-ne-ner, Lily. It's when people eat a large meal at the end of the day." I sigh at her stupidity.  
"Nina" she says, raising an eyebrow. "Dinner only has two syllables."  
There is a moment of silence.  
"Lily?"  
"Yes, Nina?"  
"What's a syllable?" **

**"Lily?" I ask on the way to the hall.  
"Is this about syllables again?"  
"No. And you can't blame me for being ignorant about that grammar crap. I didn't attend one of those primly schools that Muggles force poor, innocent children to go to."  
"You mean Primary School?"  
"To be honest, Lily, I don't give a shit. Now to the question - why were you sitting alone in the library for two hours?"  
"I was not in there for two hours!"  
"Yes, you were. You left at four. It is now six thirty. I am curious to why your study period continued on for so long when, in fact, your study partner was seen entering the male dorms in the company of one Sirius Black, one arrogant dick and one slightly singed fat kid who-shall-remain-nameless-because-I-do-not-know-his-name, around two hours ago."  
"Well, he did say he'd come back."  
"Perhaps he is at the feast. If he is, it will be a fine opportunity for you to yell at him. Although I advise not mentioning that you waited for him for two hours. Because then he will think you are a desperate psychopath, and will most definitely not want to shag you."  
Lily looked as though someone had stupefied her.  
"How did you... I didn't tell... how did you know?"  
I grinned in an evil fashion.  
"I didn't. But you just told me, didn't you?"  
She opened and shut her mouth a couple of times, but said nothing.**

**We reached the Great Hall, where Lily was unable to shag anybody due to the fact that the someone she may have been shagging in question was absent.  
Ah well. She will have to be celibate for a little longer then.**

**I don't know Lupin very well. He is quite quiet and spends lots of time reading. But I think he's far too introverted to ever actually muster up the courage to snog Lily. She would have to make the first move...**

**Now, to somehow get them locked in a closet together. **

**Well its a fantastic excuse to drink all that mead in my suitcase.  
I must go and ask Sarah if she wants any.  
Despite the popular ideology of 'All the more for me', drinking with two is much more fun.  
That way, you can drink the bottle and blame your buddy.  
Bwah ha ha. **

* * *

Now, I like OC's as much as the next person (very little) and I like chaps from their POV's even less. But this was a sacrifice I had to make, for the sake of the plot. :) Don't hate me.


	12. In which multiple egos are bruised

_James:_

Saturday night

Why does the world hate me? What did I ever do?

Aside from all that... other stuff, of course.

Today was the first Hogsmeade trip, our first outing as fifth years.  
And I had a hot date.  
It was quite a promising situation, really.

I met up with Dorcas at the gate, and was pleasantly surprised. She had her hair up and when I came over her face erupted in the biggest grin in human history. I realised that she really was quite pretty.  
Remus had, beforehand, briefed me on the girl. Shes no Evans, but she is damn good looking and, from what Sirius tells me, quite a snog. I did not ask how he knew this.

"Moony, do you know anything about Dorcas Meadowes?"  
"Dorcas Meadowes? Ravenclaw, blonde, good at Ancient Runes?"  
"Erm, well, I know she's blonde..."  
"She's mad. Totally unhinged."  
"Ah."  
"She acts like Peter when he's had a couple of sugar quills. Only more so, and constantly."  
"Lovely."  
"She is one of the most extroverted people you are ever likely to meet. Brilliant, though. Got an unbelievable memory and sharp as a knife. I was her partner for Ancient Runes last year."  
"So, you know her?"  
"Yes. I believe Sirius does too. Go and ask him and leave me in peace."  
"Okay."

Anyway. I came to see that Moony was correct.  
She is completely off her rocker.  
And its fantastic.

We chatted about Quidditch while Filch let everyone through. Turns out she is an avid supporter of the Kenmare Kestrels. We got into a playful little debate over the Kestrels vrs. Arrows, but all in fun.  
In that short period of time I learned that she lives in Westport, her favorite subject is Transfiguration, that she really hates Herbology, that she also hates ice mice, gum and exploding bonbons (she sat on one once). She loves Peppermint Toads and hot chocolate. She also talks quite a lot.  
The we boarded one of the coaches out to Hogsmeade, in which we talked some more about how utterly ridiculous Slughorn is, which then got us onto the subject of Snivelly, for whom she shares my loathing.  
Our abuse of Snivellus carried us all the way to Hogsmeade. I asked her where she wanted to go, fully expecting her to say 'Madam Puddifoots' like most of my previous girlfriends. But she suggested the Three Broomsticks, for which I was grateful.

We entered, and both ordered butterbeers. And things went downhill from there.  
Aside from the odd slurping noise, there was silence for a few minutes as we sipped our drinks. (Not counting all the people chatting in the background, of course)

"You know, I've liked you for ages, James."  
I blinked for a bit, unsure of what to say.  
"Erm... thanks."  
There was an awkward silence. It sounded even weirder to me – she'd been talking non-stop the entire date.  
I have discovered, in my many years of schooling, that the best way to end an awkward silence while on a date is to snog the date.  
We are assuming the date is a girl, of course.  
This, shockingly, I did not learn this from my professors.  
Anyway. I snogged her.  
And for the record, Sirius was absolutely right.

It was at this precise moment that Lily chose to walk past, looking very beautiful and windswept. She was accompanied by my good friend and loving neighbor Nina (ha!) and a pretty blonde girl that I was unacquainted with.  
She walked right past our table, surveyed both me and Dorcas with disgust and muttered to the blonde something along the lines of "Another one bites the dust"  
The blonde sniggered at this and they walked off to order some drinks.  
It didn't seem that funny to me. But maybe it's like when I replace the word 'seriously' with 'siriusly' in conversation. Nobody other than Remus and Peter find it amusing - Sirius just finds it aggravating.  
Anyway, I unplugged myself from Dorcas and glanced over at Lily, who was then sitting down at a table and laughing airily at something Nina had said. She has never seemed all that impressed by my popularity with the females of Hogwarts. In fact, she seems to find it repelling.

As lovely as Dorcas was, I couldn't really concentrate on smooching her with Lily in such close proximity.  
"Do you, uh, wanna leave?" I smiled my most charming an alluring smile at Dorcas. She grinned impishly and fiddled with her hair.  
"Mm. We should find somewhere more... quiet."

On the way out, I distinctly heard Lily say "He's got himself a new slut, then?"  
"Dorcas isn't that bad. She's ridiculously smart." Nina said reasonably, and took a swig of her butterbeer.  
"If she was smart she wouldn't be making out with that asshole in public." Lily responded.

I swear, my face was on fire. Half the pub heard her - my self esteem took a huge blow.  
Why, oh why is she so cruel? What did I do to her?  
Not counting the dungbombs, hair pulling, poking, sabotaging of homework, drenching in pumpkin juice, numerous hexes and curses, imitations, rude comments and name calling.

_Isn't that a little self explanatory?_

First Sirius, and now you. Can't you all just bugger off?

**No.**

_If you like her so much, perhaps you should try being nice to her. _

**Yes, a little tip: Girls don't like it when you charm their homework to hit them repetively on their heads until they bleed. **

_They don't find it very attractive at all. _

_**Hallo. What are we all talking about?**_

_Hello Peter._

BUGGER OFF!

_I just had the strangest feeling of de ja vu... _

Don't speak in French, Moony.

**Yes, you'll make Jamesies brain sore. And we wouldn't want that, would we now?**

_il n'est pas cerveau!_

GO AWAY!

_I distinctly remember the very same thing happening with my notebook. _

_**What?**_

**Anyway, the point is that if you like a girl, the best way to woo her does not lie in '101 hexes for your foes'.**

Teasing her keeps her interested... I'm playing hard to get.

**1: Only girls play hard to get.  
2: Face the facts. She never was interested and she never ever ever ever ever will be. **

_It is pretty unlikely. You should just forget about her... Dorcas is nice._

_**But James has liked Lily forever... and all the girls like James, don't they?**_

**Lily is the exception to the rule, my friend. **

It wouldn't be so irritating that she doesn't respond to my charms if only she had a boyfriend... then it would at least be an obvious reason for her not to swoon at my advances.

_James, if she had a boyfriend that would just make you jealous._

**And you'd hex the boyfriend, making her hate you even more.**

**_Or, this could happen: Lily gets a boyfriend, and his name is Jacob-Bobfred Jones. Okay? And then they get married. But then he turns out to be a minion of Grindelwald and Grindelwald decides that he loves Lily and so Jacob-Bobfred Jones is assigned to kidnap her. So, one dark and stormy night, while Lily is exiting the bathroom, Jacob-Bobfred Jones jumps on her and immobilizes her and wraps her up in a potato sack. And then he carries her over lots of fields and farms and things, because they live in the countryside. But he gets very tired and then he gets lured into a bog by a Hinkypunk called Pinky, and then this Hippogriff attacks him. And the Hippogriff's name is Mr Hoongenshlagenveegan, because he is German.  
And while all this is happening, James is walking past to go and buy a quill. And he sees the potato sack and knows Lily is in it, because he performs Legitimency on Jacob-Bobfred Jones, and so he grabs his broom, flies into the bog, feeds Jacob-Bobfred Jones to Mr Hoongenshlagenveegan, and rescues Lily. And then Lily goes:  
_**"**_Oh how I love you James. You have saved me from my evil husband, a malicious German Hippogriff and a morally challenged Hinkypunk."  
And James goes:  
_**"**_Oh Lily, I love you too, and your hair is soft and shiny. Will you marry me?"  
And Lily says:  
_**"**_Of course James"  
And they get married and live happily ever after and have a child whom they name Jacob-Bobfred Jones, because it was him, after all, who brought them together.  
The End. _**

_Right_

Right...

**You've been thinking about that for a long time, haven't you Peter?**

_**It could happen!**_

_Peter, Grindelwald has been dead for almost twenty five years. Until someone manages to perform a successful necromancy, its not happening. _

Nina and Lily are coming this way!

**Hide the book, hide the book!**

* * *

_Sirius:_

**Dear Diary,**

**I hate Lily Evans.  
She set up Nina, gorgeous Nina, exquisite, picturesque and many other words for beautiful Nina.  
With  
Amos  
Diggory  
who  
is  
the  
worlds  
biggest  
prat  
apart  
from  
my  
brother.  
I hate Lily Evans.**

**- Sirius **

* * *

_Remus:_

_Common Room  
Saturday  
8:29 pm _

_Poor Sirius. I feel so sorry for him.  
Well, not really. It's hurt his pride more than his heart. The idea that another guy got a girl he liked before he did has really bruised his ego.  
Still sad though. He's slumped on an arm chair next to the fire, looking like a wounded puppy.  
It's all because of the conversation we overheard today in the Three Broomsticks, which went like so:_

_Lily: He's got himself a new slut then?  
Nina: Dorcas isn't that bad. She's ridiculously smart.  
Lily: If she was smart she wouldn't be making out with that asshole in public.  
Nina: You just don't like him because he's better at Transfiguration than you are.  
Lily: That isn't true! I don't like him because he's a git. He struts down the hallway, ruffling his hair all the while, grinning at the hordes of giggling bimbos surrounding him, hexing anybody who breathes without his say-so. And he's always playing tricks on everyone, with no consideration for anyone else, just getting kicks out of embarrassing other people. Him and his stupid friends. Barging in everywhere... (mutters darkly)  
Remus: (Turns pink)  
(Bob: Thats us, tiger!)  
Nina: For someone you supposedly detest, you sure pay a lot of attention to him...  
Lily: It's impossible not to – thats the reason he pulls all his stupid pranks. For attention. (Pause)  
And he is not better at Transfiguration than me!  
Nina: Sure sure.  
Girl-who's-name-starts-with-S-that-I-can't-remember: So, anyway, when are you meeting Amos, Nina?  
Nina: Later. Lily will know. She arranged the whole bloody thing.  
Lily: You liked him the entire of last year! How come you're not more interested?  
Nina: Eh. I'm not particularly interested in all this dating crap.  
Girl-who's-name-starts-with-S-that-I-can't-remember: (Giggles) Just the aftermath, eh Nina?  
(Scuffling noises from underneath their table, which I assume was a footsie war, and a small 'ow' from the Nameless Girl. Nina grins and leans back in her seat in a very James-like fashion, proud of her small victory)  
Lily: You're meeting him at three thirty. _

_It was at this point Sirius became too distraught to continue dining in the Three Broomsticks and we were forced to leave.  
Ok, Sirius looked pouty for a bit, and said  
_"_Lets go" in an irritated way. _

_James is looking annoyed. It must be because Lily made a snide comment or two when she saw him and Dorcas kissing.  
So did Sirius, but I suppose James doesn't feel quite the same way about him.  
Because that would be slightly disturbing. _

_Have another study session with Lily on Wednesday. I just hope it goes better than last time. _


	13. In which Lily loses her sanity

_Nina:_

**I just stole three galleons off Lily, after, for shame, losing a bet to James Potter.**

**I probably should have listened to her when she told me that a Scops owl couldn't carry a Niffler, but I didn't. **

**She could have saved herself three galleons, though, had she not employed that stupid 'I told you so' smirk when I lost. **

**But I don't tell her that. **

**Speaking of which.  
Something is up in Lilyland.  
She wasn't at dinner, unusual, because Lily likes her good old English stodge.  
I went up to her room, and found her sitting in her bed, shaking like a leaf. She was staring into space, lost in her thoughts.  
Don't want to know what the thoughts were. **

**At first I thought she had a fever or something – her eyes were bright and she was shivering, even though the room was really warm. All her blankets were piled on top of her, her hair was all untamed and she was wearing her nightgown.  
**"**Lils! What's wrong?" I asked, expecting her to tell me she felt ill.  
But no.  
**"**I'm fine. I'm just... tired."  
And then she lay down, the silliest grin on her face.**

**If you ask me, she's been into my mead again.**

**--**

_Lily:_

I don't even know what the date is.  
Or the time.  
Thats a lie.  
Partially.  
Its a Wednesday.  
I know that much.  
Wonderful Wednesday.  
Its got a bit of a ring to it, don't you think?  
Wonderful, Wonderful Wednesday!  
_THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!  
ON WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!  
_Nina thinks I've gone mad.

She came into the dorms and I was wearing my nightdress and all my blankets were piled on top of me.  
I was cold.  
And now I'm too hot so I'm sitting on the floor in my underwear.  
I think I have gone insane.  
INSANE!  
I should go to the Hospital Wing.  
But I don't need Madam Pomfrey to tell me whats wrong with me.  
Its obvious.  
I'm incapable of controlling my body temperature. I'm trembling uncontrollably, I can't sleep, I cant eat, I'm nauseous, I'm jumpy, and I can't stop grinning and bursting into maniacal laughter periodically.  
No. I know what's wrong.  
I have Remusitis.  
It is a rare and largely unheard of disease that is obtained by doing the following:

I had another study session with Remus, which, I thought, would probably involve me scolding him for ditching me last time, him apologising meekly and me tutting and then pretending to work when I was really just trying to sneak little glances at him without him noticing.  
This has become a sport of mine. I call it Peek-a-Remus.  
Anyway.

I arrived at the library at punctually four. I found Remus deeply engrossed in a book entitled 'Bites and Mastications – What to do when you've been nibbled'.  
"Hi Remus. I found some stuff on Chinese Chomping Cabbages that we could use that for the conclusion." I said. He looked up and smiled weakly.  
"Thats good. But I had a look at our notes yesterday – sticking aconite into it would be a waste of time. It doesn't do anything, because it's effects are countered by the mandrake."  
"Oh." I said. I hadn't thought of that. "Crap."  
"It doesn't matter. We'll find something better."

His words were comforting. I'd had the most horrible day. For one thing, I'd had Arithmancy and Muggle Studies, my two least favorite subjects. I received 52 percent in my last Arithmancy test, and we were currently studying Muggle Social Habits. I don't know why I took that horrible class – they talk about Muggles as though they were an entirely different species. It's very unnerving when the 'Social Habits' mentioned are frighteningly similar to your own. It's like the class is studying me.  
I was up to my ears in homework, I cut my hand slicing rat tails and Potter was a total prick today. More than he is usually, I mean.  
He spilled ink all over the floor in Potions, which I slipped on. I then proceeded to knock over someone's cauldron, the substance of which caused my skin to become inflamed and my robes to disintegrate. I yelled at him for a bit, while he and his little gang (not Remus) sniggered at my expense. Then I discovered my robes were dissolving, and ran sobbing from the classroom.

I had to take a revolting potion, and my robes were beyond repair.  
So I was forced to walk all the way to Gryffindor tower from the Hospital Wing IN A FUZZY PINK DRESSING GOWN.  
Oh yeah, and I'm becoming rapidly addicted to Nina's 'secret supply' .

All I wanted was Remus to hug me and tell me everything was okay.  
And then do something a little less innocent to me.  
But I won't write that down.  
However, I then remembered I was angry at Remus.

"Why did you ditch me last time?"  
He winced.  
"There were some events that needed... my attention."  
This made me angry. The 'events' being Potter needing him to re-direct any Professors heading towards the scene off some mischievous plot they were executing, which doubtless the flaming trousers were part of.  
"When that Potter clicks his fingers you jump up to go and do his bidding! You're better than they are, Remus! Why do you continue to endure them? They're not even that nice to you! I saw Black stuffing those apples down your shirt at lunch! They tease you and they get you in trouble, but you continue to tolerate them! Why?"  
I looked at him, and I found myself, surprisingly, very, very afraid, an emotion one does not usually associate with Remus Lupin.  
At first he went red. Not embarrassed red. Not cute little bashful Remus red. Angry red. That was fearful enough in it's own right – Remus never gets angry.  
Then, he went really pale. Ghostly white.

Very quietly, as though he was straining himself not to scream at me, eyes burning, he said  
"You don't know."  
We stood there for a few minutes in silence.  
"Know what?" I asked stupidly.  
And then he looked me straight in the eyes. It had never occurred to me, but he had never done that before. He always averted his gaze somehow.  
His eyes were sad.  
"You don't know anything." he said softly. Then his voice got harder – colder, and faster.  
"You have no idea what they did for me. You have no idea what kind of people they are. You just don't... don't know."  
There it was. That annoying phrase again.  
"I'll never know if you don't tell me!" I burst out. "What don't I know? Because I do know what type of people they are! Pettigrews a stupid little fanboy, Black's a self righteous, up-him-self, inbred pure blood bastard and Potters a stupid fuckwit with an ego that the Great Hall can't contain! And you... you're a coward. You don't even have the courage to stand up to those nasty shits you call friends!"

And then he exploded.

"SHUT UP! Just shut up! You don't understand, you don't know, you can't... you... just don't! Stop talking! I'm not a coward! I'm... They aren't! And... just shut up! You stand there and judge people, like me and Sirius, you with your perfect life! When have you, ever, **ever **encountered any hardship? Ever? You haven't, have you? And yet you somehow think it's okay for you to condemn us all! Go back to your dorm and file your nails, or read a book or something! You just not... nobody's ever going to be good enough for you, are they?"  
His rant ended with an exasperated tone to it.  
I was speechless, and not a little hurt.

"Thats not..." I whispered. I was going to say it wasn't true, but it was. Taunts of 'mudblood' from the Slytherins and 'freak' from Petunia are hardly hardship.  
And then, to my eternal shame, I sank to the floor and sobbed amongst the books. For the second time that day.

Remus was at a loss for words. Whatever he expected, that wasn't that. He looked terrified – I suppose the situation was a little intimidating, after all. I doubt he had encountered many bawling adolescent females in his time.

"Lily" he said softly. "Lily, please don't cry. Please... I'm sorry. I didn't mean...Please." he crouched down next to me.  
He was pleading with me.  
I looked up at him..  
"Please." he murmured so faintly I could barely hear him. Or maybe I imagined it.  
His face was very close to mine now.  
I let out a little sob.  
And then I tilted towards him.  
Just slightly.


	14. In which there is much reminiscing

**A/N:** Don't hurt me, please.  
I know I took over a month to update, but pleasepleaseplease forgive me. Its all Annabelles fault! --Points at betabitch--  
No, I was kidding, Anna.  
Honestly.  
What are you doing with that wand?  
Get that away from me!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah, OK, I'm all done now.  
But to make up for the big wait, I wrote a lovely long chapter.  
The first POV is Remus, then Sirius.  
Enjoy!_

* * *

_

_The world is a spiteful place, full of evil stalkers with malicious intentions.  
__Imagine someone hands you a pie. __You eat said pie.  
__Then, you discover that someone has laced the pie with lethal poison._

_That someone is the world.  
__And I am not a big fan of the world at the moment. _

_I will report to you the days events in scriptic form, so that you may understand the true evil nature that is the foundation of the universe._

_**Scene:** Remus arrives at library. Remus finds himself bored so picks up a book of unknown title and pretends to read whilst really just trying to think up how to carry a decent conversation with Miss Evans that does not include nerve-induced-vomiting.  
__Enter Lily  
__**Lily:** Hi, Remus. I've found some stuff on Chomping Cabbages that we could use for the conclusion.  
__--Remus looks up and all attempts of smile fail, as Lily is looking very pretty this evening--  
__**Remus:** Tha - that's good. But I had a look at our notes the other day and putting aconite intothe Potionwould be a waste of time. It doesn't do anything, because its effects are countered by the mandrake.  
__**Lily:** Oh. --Face falls-- Crap.  
__**Remus:** It doesn't matter. We'll, erm,find something better.  
__(**Mild Remus:** Liar.)  
__(**Bob:** So long as it makes her happy, you talk as much crap as you like.)  
__(**Mild Remus:** Don't listen to him! He's just trying to corrupt yo--)  
__(**Were-Remus:** --Licks teeth and bares fangs--)  
__(**Mild Remus:** I'll be quiet!)  
__There is a short silence, and Lily appears to be thinking. Then -  
__**Lily:** Why did you ditch me last time?  
__(**Bob:** You put whiny little Peter before this glorious beauty? Dear Remus, you have serious prioritoral issues)  
__(**Mild Remus:** You did the right thing. Peter is your friend.)  
__(**Were-Remus:** Yes... nice and fat, too... taste good with a bit of pepper...)  
__**Remus:** --Winces-- There were some, um... events... that needed my attention.  
__**Lily:** --Fumes-- When Potter clicks his fingers you jump up to go and do his bidding! You're better than they are, Remus! Why do you continue to endure them? They're not even that nice to you. I saw Black put those apples down your shirt at lunch. They tease you, they get you into trouble, but you continue to tolerate them. Why?  
__(**Bob:** Oh Merlin. She saw that?)  
__(**Mild Remus:** Wasn't that when James was mocking Peter for never having a girlfriend and you said that was okay and maybe he just wasn't interested in girls?)  
__(**Bob:** Yeah. And then Sirius called you a poofter and started stuffing apples down your shirt.)  
__(**Were-Remus:** How horrible. Can I eat him?)  
__(**Mild Remus & Bob:** No!)  
__(**Were-Remus:** Aw.)  
__(**Bob:** Hang on a sec. She just... insulted our friends.)  
__(**Mild Remus:** After all the stuff they did... she doesn't know a thing about it!)  
__**Remus:** You don't know.  
__(**Bob:** What the... what kind of response is that? Say something that'll make her swoon, like... What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and you are the Sun! Arise, fair sun, because I don't care about the envious James-moon. He can go and snog Dorcas in a closet.)  
--__A long pause.--  
__**Lily:** Know... know what?  
__**Remus:** --Looks at Lily--  
__(**Bob:** Yes, I would like to confirm that Miss Evans has the absolute most exquisite eyes in optomical history. Go on, say the crap about the Sun. She'll love it.)  
__(**Were-Remus:** Just shut up and let the boy have a purely non-hormonal angst.)  
__(**Bob:** What if I don't?)  
__(**Were-Remus:** --Growls--)  
__**Remus:** You don't know anything. You have no idea... what they did for me. You have no idea what they did for me. You just don't... don't know.  
__**Lily:** I'll never know if you don't tell me! What don't I know? Because I do know what type of people they are! Pettigrew's a stupid little fanboy, Black's a self righteous, up-him-self inbred, pure blood bastard and Potters a stupid fuckwit with an ego that the Great Hall can't contain! And you... you're a coward._

_I'm going to stop writing like this because it's giving me a headache._

_But I was in such shock that she could say something like that. She had absolutely no idea what they are like. And all the little voices in my head were screaming different things at me and I couldn't think or focus or anything. And I swear there were more than three up there.  
__I honestly think I have lost my sanity._

_How could she think that? Sirius and James... James... he only ever acts like a prat around her. Well, alright, he acts like a prat for a notable percentage of his time. But only when he's hexing someone. And he does that...  
Perhaps he is a bit of a prat. But he's not all that bad.  
__Peter is a good listener and, in that respect, a great friend.  
__And Sirius... that is the most screwed up interpretation of him I have ever heard. I don't think she could be any more wrong. Perhaps he can be a little arrogant at times... but so can everyone, including Lily._

_I am unable to recall the exact wording of the rambling that followed, but I yelled a fair bit and am now, in hindsight, shocked that I was unheard by Madam Pince.  
__And I ended up reducing Lily to tears.  
__This distressed me. I don't think I've ever shouted like that. _

_In fact, I don't think I'd ever shouted before._

_So, anyway, I was all muddled and confused.  
__And I tried to comfort her, but we ended up...  
__Snogging.  
__Bloody Bob. _

_It was nice.  
__A little clumsy.  
__But nice.  
__And she sort of stopped crying and put her arms around me. _

_So I emerged from the library with my hair all ruffled, a couple of books in my arms and the most enormous grin on my face.  
__And then I was grabbed by the collar, and pulled into a closet.  
_"_You arsehole." someone hissed into my ear._

_I recognized the voice very well. It was a voice I probably knew better than my own.  
__I turned around._

_And there stood Sirius Black._

"_You arsehole." he repeated, his face screwed up with venom.  
_"_Ca - calm down." I choked. I was having difficulty breathing – Sirius was holding me an inch off the ground my tie and if he didn't put me down soon I was going to suffocate.  
_"_How could you?" he whispered, his face close to mine.  
_"_Please put me down."  
__His eyes narrowed, and I could tell he was considering letting me hang. But then he thought better of it, and released his grip. I fell to the closet floor, massaging my neck._

"_You... and Evans! And you know how much he likes her... I don't believe you. How could you?"  
__I scowled._

"_He has a lovely little fan club of beautiful girls that would kill for a chance to go out with him. He's never shown any interest in her, aside from the occasional crude comment. He's never nice to her, he's never even bothered to ask her out! And yet she's somehow his property. Besides, if you haven't noticed already, he has a girlfriend. And he's been making a point of snogging her where everyone can bear witness to the event." I snarled at Sirius.  
__He looked a little taken aback – I don't think he'd encountered Bob very much. And Bob is fucking scary.  
__But then he got his cool back._

"_Yeah, so Lily can bear witness to the event. He wants to make her jealous. He makes a prat of himself in front of her to get her attention. And he is absolutely infatuated with her. Like, obsessed. I guess..." he sighed. "He doesn't really talk about it around you and Peter. But Merlin, you should hear him talk about her around me. He thinks she's like... a god. Honestly."  
_"_But... why? She's no more beautiful than any of his previous girlfriends... And she really, really doesn't like him... why?" I asked, bewildered. _

"_I think... she fascinates him. It's because she doesn't like him that he is so interested in her. If she had simply fallen at his feet like most girls... or at least flirted with him a little... then he wouldn't have given her much more than a second glance. Of course, he's never actually told me why he likes her. Just that he does. So it's all just observation, really." he sighed again and sat on the closet floor, his brow wrinkled in thought. _

"_I knew... that he liked her and everything. But it doesn't mean... I mean, he just fancies her a little, doesn't he? Like I fancied Annette Glory last year, but you went out with her."  
_"_You liked Annette Glory?"  
_"_Yes."  
_"_But I never knew that."  
_"_Are you telling me that if you knew it would have stopped you?"  
_"_Well... I see your point. But James... it's more than fancying. I really think he is, like... obsessed with her. And I guess you didn't know. But you do now. And I think... that you should tell him."  
_"_WHAT?"  
_"_You should tell him, Remus."  
_"_Are you out of your mind? Even if all he thought was that she had a nice arse, he'd still disembowel me! You should know better than anyone how... possessive he gets."  
__Sirius gave me a long look.  
"Remus, I'm serious. If you don't tell him..."  
_"_Is that a threat?"  
_"_Perhaps."  
_"_Hang on – how did you know about me and Lily anyway?"  
_"_I saw you, dumbshit."  
_"_In the library? You're never in the library!"  
__He smiled grimly.  
"You'd be surprised."  
_"_What aren't you saying?"  
_"_I was... shall we say... waiting for someone."  
_"_Oh. So you and Nina..."  
_"_No. Helena Smith. She's Dorcas' dorm-mate. James introduced us."  
_"_So you're over Nina then? That didn't take long."  
"I, unlike James, can tell when I'm not wanted. Besides, have you actually seen Helena? Beauty beyond compare."  
__He opened the door to leave.  
"Oh – and I'm serious about telling James about it. If you don't... I will."  
__And he left._

_So that was my afternoon.  
__And there is no way in hell I am telling James about it._

* * *

**I just can't believe him. I honestly can't. My brain is refusing to register that he... did that.  
****I guess that he didn't know.  
****Actually, I don't see how he would have known. **

**Like, he knew that James liked Lily. Knew he fancied her.  
****But he hasn't really heard him talk about her. **

**I spent half last summer at his house. And during most of that time we just talked.  
****About Lily.  
****About how he's had this huge crush on her since third year, before any of us knew.  
****About how he's been trying to work up the courage to ask her out since then.  
****About how she is so beautiful, and kind and intelligent and loving and special. And not like any other girl he has ever met.**

**What scares me is that this made me angry at him. I tried to figure out why, and I realised that... he doesn't want her because she's special.  
****He wants her because she doesn't want him. It's a conquest.  
****And to James, she's just... a prize. **

**He shouldn't be like that about her. Poor Remus. The first girl he actually likes, and James has sort of, reserved her. For no bloody good reason.**

I was thinking the other day about first year. And I remember what she was like.  
**Lily Evans... she was this psycho little freak with really long red hair and a really loud laugh. And she was really irritating because she'd always get top off class. She wasn't very nice about it either. I remember one conversation we had, and it went like this:**

"**Oh Sirius. I see you have yourPotions marks back. Might I see them?"  
**"**Uh..."  
****And then she snatched my paper out of my hand.  
**"**Oh, you only got 72 percent... how very sad."  
**"**What did you get? Three?"  
**"**Actually, I got full marks. It must really suck being stupid."  
****And then she laughed with her maniacal mega-loud laugh and sent some blue sparks out of her wand.  
****Yeah, she was the craziest psychopath in first year. **

**She looked it too. Freckles all over the place, huge green eyes too big for her skull, wild hair wrists that were so thin they looked like they were going to snap.  
****Then again, I wasn't the most normal firstie ever to walk the halls of Hogwarts.**

**Coming from a family of maniac purebloods, I had very strong ideologies about heritage. Always pure. I arrived at the Platform every bit a Black.  
****And then I met James.  
****I remember it like it was yesterday.**

**My mother had just left, and I could still feel her kiss on my cheek, her words in my ear:  
**"**Owl me when you're sorted. I know you'll make me proud."  
****I knew what she meant. Every member of my family had been sorted into Slytherin - I was not expecting any different. I didn't even contemplate whether or not I'd get put there.**

**I was standing there, with all my trunks and no idea what to do next, when this boy with glasses and hair that looked like a birds nest comes up to me, looking about as clueless as I felt.  
**"**Got any idea what we do now?" he asked me, ruffling his black hair as he did so.  
****I shrugged.  
**"**Maybe we should put our stuff on the train..." I said, casting a glance over my baggage.  
**"**Oh... yeah."  
****Then we stood in silence for a minute or so.  
**"**How do we do that?"**

**Eventually we managed todrag all our things onto the train and find a compartment.  
****The boy and I sat down and I sat down next to him, putting my feet up on the seat opposite.  
**"**You know... I don't even know your name yet..." I grinned at him.  
****He laughed, and stuck out a hand. "James Potter."  
****I shook it, trying to place his name in my head. I'd never heard of the Potters, so they obviously weren't part of the pureblood elite.  
**"**You pureblood?" I asked casually. His eyebrows rose at my question and he withdrew his hand very quickly.  
**"**Yes... why do you ask?" he questioned suspiciously. I shrugged again.  
**"**Sirius Black." I bobbed my head in a sort of half-bow. His eyebrows disappeared into his messy fringe.  
**"**Black... you wouldn't happen to know Cepheus Black, would you?" his tone had lost most of its warmth.  
**"**Yeah... he's my uncle." I gave a small smile, which was not returned.**

**James stood.**

"**Okay, well... I've, uh, seen a friend." he jerked his head towards the door. "So... I might see you... again." a cold smile crossed his face, as though he were amused by his words.  
****Then he exited, leaving me sitting alone.**

**Sirius Black wasn't used to being rejected.**

**Being quite a social eleven year old, I left my compartment in search of some new company.  
****What I found was a circle of Slytherin sixth and seventh years surrounding a small, plump boy, a half-melted chocolate frog in his hand and a wand in the other. He seemed to be frozen in terror in the presence of all the older students.  
**"**What do you think you're doing?" a husky voice addressed the boy, one I knew very well.  
**"**Bella?" the speaker spun around in a flash of dark hair. A striking looking seventeen year old girl with heavy features and narrow gray eyes towered over me, a scowl on her face.  
**"**Sirius... what are you doing here?" my cousin asked me, her hand on her hip.  
**"**I was... looking for... a friend..." I trailed off as I looked at Bellatrix – her nose was twitching, which I knew from years of experience, was a sure sign that she was irritated. Obviously she had absolutely no interest in what I was doing there.**

**But I wasn't going to be daunted by her and her friends. I never backed down from a fight, and I had a feeling this was likely to turn into a big one. Besides, Bella was my least favourite cousin, and I never gave up an opportunity to irritate her. **

"**I could ask you the same question!" I placed my hands on my hips and glared at Bella. The crowd burst into laughter.  
****Another female emerged from the circle – I was familiar with her too.  
**"**Practicing for spats with Reggie, now are we?" the second girl crouched down so she was at my hight, and grinned at me. She looked quite similar to the first, but her eyes were less hooded, her face narrower and her jaw less defined.  
**"**I don't need to practice. Regulus is just like you, Andy, he sucks up to his elder siblings." I was just asking for a fight now.  
****Several people laughed, including to a tall blond boy who came and put his hand on Andromeda's shoulder. **

"**Haven't we met? Sirius, is it?" he asked me. I nodded grimly. **"**Yes, I saw you at Andy's house in the summer. Quite a little bastard, isn't he?" he said to Bella cheerfully. Andy giggled, and put her arm around the boy – Bella didn't laugh, but turned back around.  
**"**Returning to the matter at hand." Bella glared at the boy, who had been trying to sneak away while everyone's attention was turned towards me. "Where did you get the frog?" she asked in her most dangerous tone - almostseductive sounding, to anyone that didn't know Bella only ever spoke like that when she was very annoyed.  
**"**I-I b-bought it!" the boy stuttered. I noticed he had quite a bit of chocolate smeared around his mouth.  
**"**Don't lie to me, you fat little shit." she said softly. "The cart hasn't been past yet. Now Lucius here -" she pointed to the blond boy, who had also turned back towards the boy. **"**Lucius had a lovely little stash of frogs in his compartment. He left to check on some friends. And when he returned, several of his frogs were missing."  
****The boy quivered. I felt a pang of sympathy towards him - I knew how horribly intimidating Bella could be.  
**"**I think you stole them. I think you crept in and stole them." she whispered. "Didn't you?"  
****He just quivered some more.**

"**They're only frogs." I muttered, looking with pity upon the boys face.  
**"**What?" Bellatrix turned around again.  
**"**It doesn't matter. They're only chocolate frogs." I said, louder this time. Then, to my surprise, she smiled. One of her horrible grins that were a little higher on one side of her mouth.  
**"**Aw. 'Ickle Sirius, defender of the fat little firsties. Is this your boyfriend, Siry? Are you in loooove?" she crooned in a mock-baby voice. The party started to laugh.  
**"**How sweet. Why don't you give the little thief a kiss? Go on. We won't laugh. I swear." You could have fried an egg on my face, I was so red. The sixth and seventh years were killing themselves.  
**"**Aw, leave him alone, Bella." Andromeda nudged her sister, but a smirk was curling at her lips, she was barely concealing her giggles. "Just hex the freak and we can get back to our compartment."  
**"**I'll deal with the pilferer later. This is fun." Bellatrix smiled her lopsided smile. **

"**So, Sirius, did you help the ugly littlefreak steal my chocolate? Was it a wedding gift?" Malfoy crouched down next to Andy, who was now howling with laughter.  
****I wasn't letting him get away with that.**

"**Speaking of weddings, how is 'Cissa? Aren't you betrothed? Oh wait... that can't be right. I suppose my parents know about you and Andy's little rendezvous in the Black bedchambers? Aren't you engaged anymore?" it was my turn to smile – the grins had faded off both Lucius' and Andromeda's faces. The rest of the company, however, were laughing even harder, including Bellatrix.  
**"**Shut the fuck up, you nasty little prick." Malfoy hit me over the head, hard. I fell to the ground, and felt little tears well up in my eyes. It was a hard blow. "Keep your mouth shut." he whispered in my ear. "Because trust me, there's plenty more where that came from."  
**"**Lets just get back to the thief, shall we?" Andy's voice was cold. I felt a little remorse – Andy was almost nice when she wasn't around her sisters, and the closest thing I had to a friend in my family.  
**"**Leave him." hissed Malfoy. "We'll just go back to the compartment."  
**"**If you'd heeded that exact advice a little earlier then you would have escaped plenty of embarrassment in front of your friends, you know." I sneered at his back as he turned to leave. **

**And he just kept turning.**

**--**

**I was about three minutes into my punishment (Malfoy discarded his wand and was taking great pleasure in belting me in the stomach) when I heard an indignant 'Oi!'  
****I remember thinking, thank god, a prefect, or a teacher, or even the lady that drives the sweet trolley. But no.**

**It was James. **

"**Oi! What the hell do you think you're doing?" I had to admire his courage. It was one thing for me to insult the Slytherins – after all, I was a relative, and it was therefore my job to annoy them as much as is humanly possible. It was only expected. I was also a Black, which gave me near equal standing as them, despite the age difference. But for some random,  
unrelated first year who couldn't so much as transfigure a pea, to address them with such superiority – it was just plain thick. **

**But they did stop hitting me for a few seconds. **

"**Another of your boyfriends, Sirius?" a spotty sixth year giggled.  
**"**No, thanks. But I think you might want to stop attacking him, or I might just tell a teacher. You wouldn't want to be expelled on the first day back!" James folded his arms and smirked at them all. You could tell he thought he'd just said something terribly cool.**

**Malfoy lifted his wand lazily.  
**"**Petrificus Totalus." he pointed it at James, who immediately turned rigid and fell to the ground.  
**"**How many first years have we assaulted today?" Malfoy sighed.**

"**Three." a small voice said from behind his back. He turned around and gaped at the speaker.  
**"**You! The little mudblood... from the Platform! Piss off!"  
****And Lily Evans hit him on the head with her collapsible cauldron. **

**I took this opportunity to run. **

**Lily pulled her wand out of her robes, waved it in James' direction and muttered an incantation as she ran. He sat up, surveyed the scene – Malfoy getting to his feet and yelling at both me and Lily, and his posse of Slytherins hot on our heels (Bellatrix and Andy were not among these – they left soon after Malfoy began his attack. I don't think Andy really wanted to see it, and Bella didn't approve of fistfights. They were for muggles.)**

**James did what most people would do in that situation, and ran like hell.**

**We sprinted down the hallway, attracting the attention of many passengers, who stuck their heads out of their doors, and, after seeing Malfoy, pink in the face and blond hair flying out behind him, pulled them back in.**

**They began to gain on us, and I was thinking we were going to die – when we crashed into the sweet trolley.  
**"**My my! What's this?" the short, dimpled lady who pushed the trolley came to a halt. Malfoy stopped and brushed the hair out of his eyes.  
**"**These first years were causing trouble. I was trying to catch them so I could find out their names and notify the authorities. I'm head boy, you see." he lied smoothly, and indicated to his badge, smiling at the lady all the while. **

"**That's not true Miss! This boy and his friends were beating up that boy and his friend." Evans indicated to the Slytherins and then to me and James.  
The lady raised an eyebrow, and I winced. She had to tattle, didn't she? Now we were going to be absolutely pummelled.  
**"**She's lying, of course." Malfoy said quickly. **  
"**Well." the Lady smiled coldly at Malfoy. "I'm not an authority. But I would like you to please return to your compartment." **

**She stood tapping her foot, until Malfoy realised she wasn't moving until he did. He smiled once more at the lady, and turned his back on us. **

**But I knew very well that he'd get us back for that. **

--

"**Well, aren't you going to say thank you?" Evans asked us.  
****I laughed harshly.  
**"**And why would we do that?" I smirked at her.  
**"**Because... I just rescued you from a large older boy's wrath. And that of several others." she smirked back.  
**"**Saved? Hah. We didn't need your help." James folded his arms.  
**"**You were lying petrified on the ground, and your mate was being clobbered... did I miss something?" she placed her hands on her hips and glared at him.  
**"**Please!" James scoffed. "I was just... uh..."  
**"**Playing possum." I finished.  
**"**Yeah."  
**"**I just SAVED YOU from a giant blond guy and his cronies by hitting him on the head with a CAULDRON THAT COST ME FIVE GALLEONS! NOW IT HAS A BIG HEAD SIZED DENT IN IT, AND I HAVE TO GO AND GET IT BECAUSE I HAD TO RUN AWAY AND I COULDN'T CARRY IT AT THE SAME TIME AND I HATE RUNNING! I ABSOLUTELY DETEST RUNNING! AND YOU TWO MADE ME RUN!" me and James cowered as she yelled at us, growing steadily redder and redder in the face as her speech progressed. Once her rant was finished, she set off towards her cauldron, and left us not a little shaken.**

"**James! 'Lo. What's with the psychotic redhead?" a girl appeared at James' shoulder. I don't really remember her, but she had very short brown hair.  
**"**Why don't you ask her?" James pointed a still slightlyquivering finger in the direction of Evans.  
****And, to my surprise, the girl skipped off to do just that.  
**"**Who was that?"  
**"**Neighbour." James grunted.  
****Come to think of it, the girl was probably Nina.  
****Beautiful Nina.**

**(I do have to wonder about her taste... Diggory? I guess he plays Quidditch, and he's older... and good looking in a very obvious way. And I suppose thats attractive to some girls.  
****But he doesn't seem her type. And, forgive me for my lack of modesty, but most girls would kill to go out with me. Literally. Anita Froud tried in third year.)**

"**Wow." said James as he sat down. "What a freak."  
****He meant Evans.  
**"**I know." I said, sitting down next to him.  
**"**Hey, I'm, uh, sorry I was a jerk before." he grinned sheepishly at me.  
**"**Yeah, well. I guess you're just a total prick." I snapped.  
****He stared at me.  
**"**I'm joking, mate." I chuckled.  
****And then we cracked up like maniacs. **

**--**

**James wants to talk about his day with Dorcas now, so that's enough 'Reminiscing with Uncle Sirius', if I don't want to miss out on all the lovely details. For someone who's meant to be so into Evans, James is pretty keen on Dorcas, who he didn't really like to begin with.  
****She's pretty incredible though. Great company – into Quidditch, just like James, and very conversational.  
****Also a great snog.  
****And she keeps very attractive company. Passing over my pining for James' neighbour, today I wooed the lovely Helena Smith in aisle fifty-two, dormmate of the worshipful Dorcas.  
****So I'm sure I can live without Nina for a while longer. **

**

* * *

A/N:**

I'm still not really sure if I like this chapter, so I need your opinions. Marshmallows for ALL reveiwers! As always.  
And if anyone writes a really spectacularlylum review, they get 5 MARSHMALLOWS! Not one,but FIVE! --bribes-- 

I couldn't have done it without teh l00vely Anna, my brilliant and very tolerant beta who helped me edit this chapter.  
Sixtimes.

And I think I will be doing some more memories, because I'd like to go into the founding of the friendships (and emnities, hehehe) of the Marauders. But if you thought the reminiscing was the most horrible thing I ever wrote, pray tell.  
Remember:

IF YOU FLAME, YOU ARE LAME  
REMEMBER THAT, OR YOU'RE A PRAT.

- Banana :)


	15. In which Lily is not jealous

**A/N:** Now, before you say ANYTHING, I apologise profusely for the humungous wait. But I had to do all the stuff people normally do during holidays - you know, buying presents, wrapping presents, recieving presents, using presents, cleaning up the bloody wrapping paper that gets everywhere, going on holiday - which I have been doing for the past three weeks. Now, as fun as lying on beautiful, sunny beaches is,** I had no internet**. In fact, I only just got back today, and I'm utterly exhausted.  
Thischaphas not been betta'd, because I knew that if I didn't update soon, you would all go feral on me and try and rip out my throat. Or just remove me from your alert lists or whatever. Its also not brilliant, because, as I said, I am very tired. Also, its short.  
All in LilyPOV, and yes, YES, I will eventually do something from James' point of veiw. Next chapter, I swear.  
Happy readings. :D

* * *

I was in Ancient Runes today, and me and Sarah sit together on a four seater desk. Across from us sit two Ravenclaw girls.The first one has long dark hair with high cheekbones and slanted eyes, one of those intimidatingly beautiful people that look like they descended from Olympus or something. And her name is Helena Smith. And then there's another one that has an infuriating smirk, a heart shaped face and huge brown doe eyes. And her name is Dorcas Meadowes.  
I hate them both.

Dorcas is the bimbo that is going out with Potter. Only the annoying thing is, she isn't a bimbo. Sure, she's blond, pretty and she won't shut up, but she's clever.  
Really, really clever.  
More clever than me.

I understand that I am not the most intelligent girl in the year.  
Well, I understand that now.

When I think about it, I'm good at most things. I'm top of the class at Potions and Charms. I'm quite good at Transfiguration, although that bloody Potter is better. The DADA teachers have never had cause to complain. (And I mean teachers - the school hasn't been able to hold a professor for more than a year for as long as I've been attending Hogwarts)  
My Herbology marks aren't bad – mostly thanks to Sarah, mind you. She has a bit of a knack for the subject. My History of Magic isn't too shabby either (of course, nobody gets higher than an E in HOM. I'd like to know if there is anybody in the world who is fully attentive in that class).  
Arithmancy isn't my best subject, but I work so hard at it that I end up with O's. I absolutely detest Muggle Studies, but I'm best in the class at that – its not like I don't have an advantage. I was raised by Muggles.  
And I used to think I was the best at Ancient Runes.  
Until I met Meadowes.

I'm not used to being beaten. Sure, I resigned myself to the fact that I'm not the best at Transfiguration or Herbology. But in Ancient Runes, I felt secure in thinking that I was damn good. However, it would seem that Dorcas' deciphering skills far outstrip my own, the cow.  
Her obvious talent has been bugging me all year. But I gritted my teeth and tried to get used to being second best.

It didn't work.

Today we were translating this really difficult piece of the Book of the Dead. And I was a bit over halfway and feeling very proud of myself. So I looked up to see how everyone was doing.  
And Meadowes was finished.  
I sat there for a few minutes gaping at her. She saw my expression and smirked at me.  
"The next phrase is 'Auset began to collect the pieces of her dead husband.'" Meadowes whispered to me, with what she must have thought was a conspiratorial smile. I honestly felt like punching her face in.  
But I did the breathing exercise that I always use to contain my temper.They weremasterfully designed in the summer before third year, when Petunia decided that having a witch for a sister was not _cool. _I spent the whole holiday sobbing my eyes out and yelling at her.  
It was during this troubled period of my life that I developed 'Lily's calming Breathing Exercises'. They go something like the following:  
_Breathe in.  
__Breathe out.  
__Breathe in.  
__Breathe out. _

They help me keep level-headed. I returned to my translation, still practicing the Breathing Exercises.  
"Why are you doing Pregnancy Breathing?" Meadowes asked, obviously amused. Sarah snorted with laughter next to me, but was quickly silenced by a steely glare.  
"I was doing no such thing." I must have sounded really pompous, because both Sarah and Smith were trying to conceal their giggles, and doing an appalling job of it.  
"You so were." Sarah informed me.  
"I wasn't!"  
"Yeah, you were." Smith said.  
"It doesn't matter." Meadowes addressed Smith, and they returned to their work. Well, the former did. Meadowes, however, looked across the classroom and sighted something that made her beam. I turned around to see what it was.  
Potter.  
To any sane girl, Potter is a sight to make you retch, as opposed to a sight to make you simper. He was grinning back at her, with his stupid irritating smile, that looks so smug and arrogant, showing lots of his straight, even, white teeth. I don't know how he gets his teeth so perfect. I've tried every tooth spell in the history of creation, but I've still got a mouthful of wonky molars. I've developed a habit of smiling with my mouth closed. It looks stupid, but its better than showing my hideous canines to the world.

Potterscribbled something on a piece of parchment and threw it in Meadowes direction. She opened it and smiled to herself, and sent her reply sailing over my head and into his hands. He read it, smirked and showed what was written there to Black, who was sitting next to him. They shared one of those looks – those priggish grins that boys do when they are very satisfied with themselves.

"What does she see in him?" I muttered under my breath. I didn't really intend for her to hear, but she did.  
"S'cuse me?" Meadowes looked affronted.  
"Did you hear that?" I winced.  
"Well, obviously. Thats why I responded" she said icily.  
"I'm sorry."  
There was a silence for a few minutes, before she said  
"Why do you hate him so much?"

I thought about that. And I remembered why I hated Potter. Its not a happy memory. More the type that makes you want to hide.

It all started in second year. Now, before that, boys were worse than vermin. They had Germs. They were Ugly and Stupid. They were Stinky.  
(The only exception of this rule was Frank. All the girls loved him. He sat with us at meals, and talked to us all the time. He was nice, and deemed an honorary girl)  
In second year, this all changed. No longer were boys the enemy. No longer were they gross or disgusting. Oh no.  
No. Boys became potential boyfriends.  
Fancying a boy became sort of like an accessory – every girl had to fancy one, otherwise she was just too uncool for words.  
Well, Nina decided to fancy Gideon Prewett, a ginger headed fourth year, who was, at the time, seeker of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.  
And I fancied...  
Don't laugh.  
I fancied Potter.  
Well, I was only twelve. And to a girl of twelve, Potter could seem like boyfriend material.

If you had a couple of screws up in your head loose.

One day, in Transfiguration, Nina and I were sitting with Sarah Thompson and Jessica Wood, both of whom shared our dorm. We didn't really know them, though – we stuck together, me and Nina. We didn't need anyone else. But we were in awe of Sarah, for she had what we all wanted.  
A boyfriend.  
He was Ronan Davies, and he was in third year. She told him a week previously that she fancied him – and he asked her if she wanted to go round with him. Well, every girl and her owl had seen Ronan and Sarah holding hands between classes. Despite the boycraze of the second year girls, psychical contact as extreme as hand holding seemed almost obscene. And to do it in public!  
Well, sitting across from Sarah, and hearing her story first hand rather emboldened me and Nina. It was unfortunate that Gideon wasn't in the room, but Potter was. So me and the other three girls excitedly composed a letter to 'James', telling him of my affections.  
It went something along these lines:

_James, _

_I like you.  
__Do you want to go round with me? _

_-Lily. _

Cringeworthy, isn't it?  
Well, Sarah threw the note over to him (My aim is rubbish) and he raised his eyebrow at us, in a way that, back then, I thought was absolutely SMOULDERING.  
Well, then he read the note.  
And he showed it to Black.  
And they burst into laughter.  
I was horrified. But as if that wasn't enough, he wrote back.

_Dear Lily, _

_I wouldn't go out with you if it were a choice between you and the giant squid. _

_Sincerely,  
__Your one and only true love,  
__-James Potter_

I'd like to say that I sneered at him and decided he was an arse right then and there, but that would be lying. What I did was flee from the classroom in tears, sob all the way up to Gryffindor tower, fling myself on my bed and cry my little heart out for hours.  
Overreaction? Yeah. But I was only twelve.  
I bawled myself to sleep, and when I woke up, Sarah and Nina were sitting on my bed, looking worried.

Nina had brought me some Every Flavour Beans from her secret stash (these were the days her secret stash was totally non-alcoholic) and Sarah braided my hair, and Nina told me that she'd lived next door to James for years, and that he was the biggest prick in all of humanity, and that it was a good thing that he was too stupid to realise how wonderful I was, because I deserved better. And Sarah said that James was far too immature to be a good boyfriend, and that she bet his hands were all sweaty and gross and no good for holding anyway. This made me feel a bit better, although I pretended I was sick and skipped the rest of my classes for the day.  
Oddly enough,itis also the story of how Sarah became my friend. Funny, that.

Its weird, but, looking back, I wouldn't have thought I would have reallywanted a boyfriend at all. I mean, at the moment, my hormones are going mad and I really want to pop over to the boys dorms and give Remus Lupin a bit of a shag, but this was pre-pubescent Lily. I was skinny, I was completely flat-chested, my hair had not encountered a comb in a long while, and I was a tomboy. Girly things didn't interest me, so it follows logically that I would not allow myself to be dragged along in the second-year torrent of boylove. But I did.

I never much liked Quidditch, which would be reasonable grounds to question my claims to tomboyhood, but I was always a fierce competitor. However, competing was restricted to non-athletic activities, because I am possibly the most uncoordinated person to ever grace the halls of Hogwarts. So, instead, I became passionate about winning at academics.

I am, to this day, still very combative, which brings us back to the here and now of Dorcas Meadowes and her stupidly precocious translating talent.  
My reply to her question?  
"Uhm..."

Before Meadowes could try and pry a more articulate answer out of me, class ended, with the homework to complete our translations, and Potter walked past, grabbed her round her waist, and steered her out the door, her giggling like a lunatic all the while.

Stupid bitch.

* * *

**A/N:** Lily so isn't jealous. shiftyeyes 

Reveiw and make me a happy banana. And DO NOT BE NICE. BE OVERLY CRITICAL.  
But... don't be too overly critcal. You don't want me getting all depressed and going emo on you, do you? Fuck canon, I could make Remus top himself over the agony in his life, James turn goth, Lily turn Death Eater, Sirius kill his mother and Voldemort come and Avada anyone that I haven't killed off yet.  
I kid you not. Hamlet was a big hit and look what happened to all the main protagonists in that.

- Banana  
(As always, marshies to anyone who reveiws. Sometimes I thinkmallows arethe only reason you ever reveiw! -angst-)


	16. In which a meeting is held

**A/N: So. This chapter is longish, but not as long as I thought it would be, because I decided that a lot of the stuffI had planned for this chapter would be better suited later on. So you have this. I'm sorry.  
It, again, has not been beta'd, but I promised that I would have it up by Friday, and I intend on, for once, making my self-imposed deadline.  
After this, I intend to go back and edit the entire thing(Listens to sighs) I know,I know, but I'm pining to go back and fix up all my mistakes, so updates will take even longer than usual.  
Don't hurt me please. **

_

* * *

_

_**(Notes)**_

_James Potter has called fourth the Marauders for their first official meeting of the year. Remus Lupin will write down the minus of the meeting, while the remaining three will act as though they have the mental capacity of five year olds.  
And sadly, they do._

_**James Potter:** I have called fourth the Marauders for our first official meeting of the year.  
__**Sirius Black:** Yes, we gathered that.  
__**James Potter: **Now, am I correct in saying that at the end of last year, we decided that, due to the forms of our developing Animagus', we should create names by which we would call each other?  
__**Sirius Black: **Unless we all hallucinated the meeting in question.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Unlikely.  
__**James Potter: **Does everyone recall their assigned name?  
__**Sirius Black: **Jim, you seem to forget that we are, in fact, fifteen years old. You are acting as though you are speaking to children ten years our junior. Please stop asking stupid questions.  
__**Remus Lupin: **Remus Lupin would like to point out the irony of that particular comment, as he had already stated that the assembled posses the mental capacity of five year olds. Look, right here at the top of the page.  
__**James Potter: **Whoopdefuckingdoo.  
__**Sirius Black: **Thank you, Miss Clairvoyant. May we continue?  
__**Remus Lupin: **Remus Lupin resents the usage of the word 'Miss' to refer to him. Remus Lupin would like to point out that he, contrary to popular belief, has testicles.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Peter Pettigrew would like to ask Remus Lupin to please not make any more references to his nether regions.  
__**James Potter: **James Potter seconds that.  
__**Sirius Black: **Sirius Black would like to ask why the hell we are referring to ourselves in third person.  
__**James Potter: **Its something to do.  
__**Sirius Black: **We all sound like house-elves.  
__**Remus Lupin: **Remus Lupin would like to suggest that we return to the matter at hand.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Peter Pettigrew seconds that.  
__**James Potter: **Right then. Well, James Potter would like to request that before we reach the matter at hand, we should all call each other by our new nicknames. For instance, you will call me 'Prongs'. The waste of sperm before me who would formerly answer to the unfortunate name 'Sirius Black', will henceforth be called 'Padfoot'. The boy in the slightly disturbing teddy bear pajamas, who was beforehand referred to as 'Stick-up-his-arse Lupin', will now be given the much more appealing name 'Moony'.  
__**Remus Lupin: **Stick-up-his-arse Lupin would like to inform the assembled that his first name is Remus.  
__**James Potter: **Not anymore, Moony. And the useless lump in the corner there guzzling all Padfoot's Every Flavour Beans, who's poor mother likes to call 'Peter Pettigrew' has been given  
the name 'Wormtail', because whatever he's turning into has a worm sticking out of its arse.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **I think its a rodent of some kind.  
__**James Potter: **Now, to the point. Does everyone remember the Exploding Broccoli event?  
__(Scowls and nods all around)  
__**James Potter: **And Wormtail, do you remember being chased by several Slytherins with intent to maim and perhaps kill you?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Yes.  
__**James Potter: **And do you remember setting your own pants on fire?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Is this really necessary?  
__**James Potter: **If you want to take part in our next prank, Wormtail.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **(sighs) Yes, then.  
__(Collective giggles)  
__**James Potter: **Good. Now, Peter, can you please recall the events from the beginning of the day onward.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Do I have to?  
__**James Potter: **Yes.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Fine then. Well, I woke up early, because James was snoring.  
__**James Potter:** I don't snore.  
__**Remus Lupin:** You do.  
__**Peter Pettigrew:** And James and Sirius had been saying something about blowing up the Slytherin commons.  
__**James Potter:** No, we didn't.  
__**Remus Lupin: **You did, actually. During your, ah, back-to-school party.  
__**Sirius Black: **Oh.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **And I had a couple of dungbombs and some exploding broccoli, and I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a go.  
__**James Potter: **Hang on, Pete. You had Exploding Broccoli?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **I'll get to that. Anyway, so I traveled, with great bravery and daring -  
__**James Potter: **Let the record show that Padfoot snorted loudly.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **I traveled with great bravery and daring to the outside of the Slytherin Commons, where I waited for someone to come past and say the password, so I could get in.  
__**Sirius Black:** You waited outside the Slytherin Commons for a couple of hours, and no-one noticed you?  
__**Remus Lupin: **Quite obviously he did not wait for a couple of hours.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Why is that quite obvious?  
__**Remus Lupin: **For one thing, you already said you woke up early. Early for Peter is about seven. I think the very earliest the world will have seen a conscious Peter is about six thirty. So, assuming he woke at seven, it would have taken him about fifteen minutes to get down to the Slytherin commons, if he didn't have breakfast on the way, which, knowing Peter, is unlikely. Thats would have taken up another fifteen minutes. So we will presume he reached the Slytherin Common room by seven thirty. At seven thirty, a fair amount of students are exiting their Common Rooms to eat and attend classes. This suggests that it would not have been long before someone came out of the Common Room, and Peter learned the password. **  
**Furthermore, Peters attention span limitation is equal only to that of James'. It would be mentally impossible for him to wait for more than half an hour.  
__**James Potter: **Thank you again, Miss Clairvoyant. May we continue?  
__**Remus Lupin: **I have testicles!  
__**Sirius Black: **Sure, sure. But, as clever as you are, you have not yet answered why Peter was not sighted loitering outside the Slytherin portrait hole for half an hour or so.  
__**Remus Lupin: **It might be a bright idea to ask him.  
__**James Potter: **What brilliance. Wormtail?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **I borrowed the invisibility cloak.  
__**James Potter: **You did WHAT?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **I didn't think you'd mind! I mean, Padfoot and Moony use it all the time!  
__**Sirius Black: **Hah, using the nicknames to butter him up, you sly old thing.  
__**James Potter: **They do?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **(meekly) Well, sometimes...  
__**Sirius Black: **I object. Didn't I rescue the cloak from Filch that time?  
__**James Potter: **(Nodding) You did...  
__**Sirius Black: **Does that not entitle me to use the cloak at any time I please, with or without permission from its owner?  
__**James Potter: **I don't think -  
__**Remus Lupin: **Anyway, Padfoot used the cloak, he is wholly guilty, everyone else is innocent of that particular crime, that crime being the stealing of the invisibility cloak, including me. Shall we continue?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **As I was saying, I was waiting outside the Slytherin dorms for someone to say the password. Well anyway, Pucey went in, (the password was Bloody Baron) and I crept in after him. When I got in there, the Slytherins were all sitting down on their little wooden chairs. So weird, they were all carved and stuff, and they had these lamps -  
__**Sirius Black: **Get on with it!  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Anyway, McNair was sitting down on this chair, and Pucey came in and sat down next to him. And then, Snape came down from the dormitories. And Pucey said to him "Oi, Snape!" and Snape ignored him. But then Pucey grabbed his arm and steered him into a chair. And then they began to talk.  
__**James Potter: **And what did they say, Peter?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, McNair said "I suppose you heard about the attack on that Muggle family down South?" and Snape nodded, and McNair said "And I suppose you can guess who was behind it?" and he nodded again. And then Pucey asked Snape what he wanted to do once school finished, and Snape just shrugged. And then McNair said "Well, I'm sure I could help you there. I have good connections in some career fields, if you know what I mean" or something like that, and Snape didn't say anything, so McNair said "I'm sure I could find you a suitable job – my father is very successful... I know people in... very high places." an he went on like that, very cryptic and confusing.  
__**Sirius Black: **Peter, when we first confronted you about your disappearance you told us they were talking about You-Know-Who and Death Eaters.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **They were!  
__**Remus Lupin:** What gives you that impression?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, it was in the prophet that there was an attack on a Muggle family down south, and it was the work of... You-Know-Who.  
__**Sirius Black: **Well, maybe that bit, but the rest of it? Sounds fairly innocent to me.  
__**James Potter: **Or as innocent as Slytherins get, anyway.  
__**Peter Pettigrew:** Well, explain this away: the next thing he said was "You will, of course, have to prove your loyalty. I think I have a task that will be suitable." and then he gave him some parchment that was on the table and said "Even if you don't wish to take me up on my offer, I would very much like for you to do that for me. Otherwise, there will be consequences." and then he got up and left.  
__**James Potter: **Peter, you dolt, he was bribing him!  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **What do you mean?  
__**James Potter: **It sounds to me like all he was saying was that he had great connections, and if Snape was good to him, maybe after school, he could help him out.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Explain the mission he gave him, then.  
__**Sirius Black: **What mission?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **On the parchment.  
__**Sirius Black: **Idiot. that was probably McNairs homework. Thats what Prongs meant by 'being good to him'.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, why did they chase me then?  
__**Remus Lupin: **We can answer that after you explain what happened next. How did they even see you in the first place? You were under the cloak.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, I started dropping Dungbombs, which they weren't too happy about, but they obviously couldn't see who was dropping them. But then, the... erm... well... then the cloak slipped off.  
__**Sirius Black: **Let the record show that Prongs slapped his head with the palm of his hand in exasperation.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **So I ran. But honestly, guys. Why else would they chase me for so long, if not because i had overheard their secret Death Eater business?  
__**Remus Lupin: **Perhaps because you threw Dungbombs all over their Common Room?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **That is a possibility...  
__**James Potter: **(slowly) But Wormtail, whatever happened to the Exploding Broccoli?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Oh. Well, I guess I must have left it in the Slytherin Common Room.  
__**Sirius Black: **Where it could have easily been picked up and thrown at you while the Slytherins were chasing you.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, yes, I suppose if could have...  
__**James Potter: **And if they missed, perhaps they might have accidentally blown up the Great Hall.  
__**Remus Lupin: **And since there are few other people in this school so widely renown for blowing things up, I suppose the teachers would naturally assume it was us.  
__**James Potter: **And they would then give us detentions.  
__**Remus Lupin: **Every second day.  
__**Sirius Black: **For a month.  
__**James Potter: **You know what, Wormtail?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **What?  
__**James Potter: **I don't like you very much right now._

_Following this statement, Sirius Black and James Potter attempted to disembowel Peter Pettigrew. Their plan was foiled, however, when Frank Longbottom came up to get himself a quill. He restrained both of them, showing much skill and quick-thinking. He is very clever and talented and ruggedly handsome and Frank, can you please stop reading over my shoulder and telling me what to write now. Thank you.  
__Peter Pettigrew suffered only minor injuries, and the meeting was allowed to continue. _

_**Peter Pettigrew: **Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't actually throw the Broccoli.  
__**James Potter: **So?  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **It was actually the Slytherins.  
__**Sirius Black: **We still don't like you.  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Yes. But think about it. The Broccoli fiasco was the fault of the Slytherins. The Slytherins got us a months worth of detentions. Should they be allowed to snicker behind our backs while we suffer? Should they go unpunished?  
__**James Potter: **Over my dead body!  
__**Sirius Black: **We just finished serving out our sentences for the last prank. Lets not be hasty. I'd like to have a couple more detention free nights, thanks.  
__**Remus Lupin: **Technically, we didn't pull that particular prank.  
__**Sirius Black: **We got the credit, though.  
__**James Potter: **They shall not go unpunished! We shall have our revenge!  
__**Sirius Black: **Whatever you say.  
__**James Potter: **We shall put spiders in their pies! Love potions in their pumpkin juice! Itching powder in their beds! Ice cubes down their robes!  
__**Remus Lupin: **Calm down, James.  
__**James Potter: **We shall unleash a rein of terror unlike anything those Slytherins have ever seen!  
__**Peter Pettigrew: **Prongs, please stop spitting on me.  
__**James Potter: **The slimy, slithery serpents of that house will never be quite the same again!  
__**Sirius Black: **Somebody stop him. Before he starts breaking things.  
__**James Potter: **Moony, stop scribbling down that stupid crap. You must record our plans! Our plots! Our... REVENGE!_

_And so, the recording of our meeting comes to an end. The hours that followed were spent planning our Great Plot of Doom, which we were to unleash on the Slytherins. This was cut short when Frank decided to go to bed, and told us all to shut up. _

_- Fin_

_--_

_**(Remus)**_

_All is not well inside my head._

_I fear that Bob has chained Were-Remus and Mild-Remus up and locked them in a dark corner of my mind. He is now running wild through my brain, laughing madly and scattering hormones wherever he goes. He lets Were-Remus out every full moon, for the price of one bar of chocolate. Mild-Remus, however, has nothing to offer Bob, so sits quietly in his little nook, reading Advanced Transfiguration and turning the pages with difficulty, due to his shackled hands. _

_I also fear that I have lost my mind. _

_It has been a week and a half since the first Incident in the Library, and there have been several more Incidents in the Library, two of which have taken place at night, whilst James is asleep.  
__There has been much sneaking around and stealing of James' invisibility cloak, and while Lily is temporarily satisfied by frequent Incidents in the Library, she is getting curious and more than a bit annoyed by the secrecy. She is also very angry at me for reprehending her for approaching me in class, and wonders as to why there are to be no Incidents in deserted corridors.  
__If she asks me to go to Hogsmeade with her, I won't be able to. This will no doubt get me a slap and a very upset girlfriend. I highly doubt Lily will be okay with just being a Library Incident, but not a Date. I believe girls who are okay with that are called Sluts. Lily would not appreciate being a Slut. _

_It does not help that James has started sniffing around after Lily. When Dorcas is not attached to him, he is offering to carry her books, trying to make jokes, and laughing at everything she says, whether or not it is intended to be funny. She looks at him like he has grown a third ear, but it is getting more and more difficult to avoid him during Incidents. _

_And Sirius is incessantly pestering me to drop her. Its very annoying and its caused the guilt anvil to move from my stomach to my throat. I can feel it every time I swallow, a constant reminder that I am, in Sirius' words, an Arsehole. _

_Not to mention the Potions paper I'm meant to be working on with Lily is due in next week, and its not even half finished. Somehow, every study session we have, we seem to get distracted.  
__Odd._

--

**_(James)_**

Something strange is going on with Moony.  
He's been disappearing for long periods of time, and returning looking very red in the face. He's been distracted, distant and unobservant, which is not like him. He's been reacting oddly every time I ask him a question, or talk to him, or request his opinion.

On a brighter note, Quidditch.  
Diggory is the captain this year, and he's holding trials this coming Tuesday. I reckon I'm a shoo-in. I was easily the best Chaser on the team last year, and he'll keep that in mind. Diggory's a Beater – its not usual to have a Beater as Captain, but he's a brilliant player, and I think he'll be great.  
I know that Longbottom will try out for Seeker, but so will Monica Johnson, and she was on the team last year.  
This year will be our year – there are plenty of brilliant players that will doubtless try out for the team this year. Although the Ravenclaws have got Dearborn for Captain and hes good. I'm sure hes capable of putting together a very able team, so I assume the Ravenclaws will be our challenge this year.

Last night we held a meeting, regarding exactly what happened when Wormtail overheard the Slytherins. Turns out it was McNair, Pucey and a couple of others that actually threw the broccoli, but it was Peter who supplied the weapons, if only accidentally. Anyway, the upshot of the meeting was that McNair and his gang must die for giving us a months worth of detentions. In fact, the whole Slytherin house might have to die, just for good measure.

The plan is --

Damn Longbottom. Can't he just go away? More later.

* * *

**A/N: Plezplezplez reveiw. Oh, and... does anyone know whether or not you lose your reveiws when you replace chapters? Because that would suck a lot.**

Yes, yes, marshmallows to any reveiwers, as always. You will notice I didn't OOC all the characters, because I got a satisfying amount of reveiws. But I expect more. MORE. _MORE!_

**Yeah, I know I'm a reveiw whore. **

**_- Banana_ :P**


	17. In which notes are passed

Reposted and edited a LOT. XD

* * *

So.

So.

SO.

**So what?**

I'm not in the mood, Ninny.

**In the mood for what?**

For you being arseholey.

**I was not being arseholey.**

You were too!

**Was not!**

Now you're just being indignant!

**Lily, I simply wanted to know what was going on in your life, because I love and respect you so much as a friend. **

Lies.

**Perhaps, but that is besides the point. What exactly is wrong?**

I failed Transfiguration.

**No, you didn't. I saw your exam results.**

I failed Herbology.

**You always fail Herbology.**

I'm not going to get my Potions assignment in on time.

**I think we are getting closer to the truth now.**

I think you need to GO AWAY.

**Lily, if it was not your intention to tell me exactly what is wrong, then you would have not passed the note to me.**

I did not pass the note. I was intending to write a diary entry.

**Lily, that is what your diary is for. **

I don't have a diary.

**So that fluffy pink notebook is just for show?**

Shut it.

**Not until you tell me what is wrong.**

I have no intention of yielding to your insatiable curiosity.

**Oh, but you will.**

I will?

**You will.**

Why will I?

**Because I have...**

You have...?

**YOUR DIARY!**

No you don't.

**Pray, why?**

Because I have it in my bag, you silly bitch.

**Damn.**

You can go away now.

**I take it this has something to do with Señor Lupin? **

Fuck off.

**What's he gone and done now?**

Oh, nothing.

**Look, tell me, or I will kill your owl.**

I don't have an owl.

**Please?**

No.

**You'll tell me eventually, you know. Might as well get it over and done with.**

I am ignoring you.

**So, has he been... snogging other girls?**

Ignoring you.

**Snogging other BOYS?**

Not speaking to you.

**Refusing to help with the project?**

As if I am speaking to you.

**Pushing you for it?**

STOP PASSING ME NOTES. WE WILL GET CAUGHT BY PROFESSOR BINNS AND DIE.

**Won't go on a date with you?**

I don't understand why you are so bad at Divination.

He won't let anyone see him kissing me, or holding hands with me, or even just being around me! Especially his friends. If he's with his lot, he always makes sure to be as far away from me as is physically possible.

**Wow. That was a good guess. **

Its like... he's embarrassed of me! And when I finally asked him directly, since he won't ask me, he just said "Sorry, Lily, but I'm not going!"

**And here you were, thinking he was perfect, when, in reality, he just can't stand to be around you.**

Don't rub salt in my gaping, bleeding wounds.

**But its so fun!**

You're such a cow.

**Well, what are you going to do now?**

I don't know, Ninny. I just don't know.

**You know what you should do?**

What?

**Drown your sorrows in mead.**

No.

**Fine then. I will go and find someone less frigid and boring to accompany me.**

I think not.

**You're not my mother, Lily. **

I think not, because I confiscated it.

**You WHAT?**

I confiscated it.

**Why would you do that to me?**

Because I'm a prefect, and alcohol is prohibited on school grounds.

**PROHIBITED?**

Prohibited.

**What did I do to make you HATE ME?**

Well, Ninny, its a very long list. If you want me to pick out the top ten, I can do so. The first one would be that time you got me completely inebriated and made me sing that awful song on stage in front a very large audience.

**Well, I thought it might help improve your self confidence. **

IMPROVE MY SELF CONFIDENCE? I couldn't look at anybody in the eye for the rest of the year! I still haven't fully recovered.

**Oh, don't be silly. Everyone's forgotten about that now. **

No, they have not! Only the other day I asked a seventh year if she could please tell me the time, and she burst into fits of laughter and scampered off humming that ABOMINABLE song-

**PUFF THE MAGIC DRAAAHGOOOOOOON! LIIIIIIIIIIVES BY THE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA! **

It did NOT sound like that when I sung it.

**It so did.**

Well, it was utterly mortifying. I don't know why you thought it would improve my self confidence. It may have the opposite effect, in fact. I will possibly never able to speak to a crowd again.

**It may not have been one of my more brilliant ideas, but I wasn't exactly sober at the time either, Lily. In fact, I think you'll find, if you think REALLY HARD, that you had two backup dancers. And that I was mysteriously missing from the bar at the time of the incident.**

I was too drunk to notice. Who was the other dancer?

**Sarah.**

No... no, she wasn't.

**Yes it was. I distinctly remember lots of blonde hair. **

No, Sarah was in the hospital wing, because you accidentally pushed her out of the window because she made a crack about your hair.

**What was wrong with my hair again?**

You turned it blue in Transfiguration and it wouldn't turn back.

**I remember now. **

But then... who was back up dancer number two?

**I can't think. Blonde hair... blonde hair...**

It wasn't... Potter in a wig, was it?

**No, Potter was in the audience. **

Black?

**Nope. I'm pretty sure they had boobs. **

Black in a wig and a stuffed bra?

**Drunk or not, he has a little more dignity than that.**

Wouldn't want to hurt his precious pride. You sure it wasn't Potter?

**No. Although, he does often dress up in womens clothes when drunk.**

Pray tell!

**Well, over the holidays, he had Black over, and Black had got some firewhiskey from somewhere. Potter didn't hold his drink so well, and they got in a bit of a silly mood. Black helped him put on in his mothers best dress robes, and then he put on a lot of makeup and pretended to be Blacks mother. This was until Mrs Potter returned home. And she told my mother about the whole thing the next day. **

Oh, thats good. I am so telling EVERYONE!

**Anyway, I know it wasn't Potter, because he passed out. Could never take his drink too well. Or maybe he just fainted in awe of your beautiful performance. **

That was my first experience with alcohol, you know. You ruined it for me.

**Oh shut up. You seem to have a healthy relationship with it now. I have no reason to doubt why you chose this troubling time to steal my drink.**

Confiscated. Confiscated your drink.

**Confiscated my arse. You ARE drowning your sorrows in mead, and you don't need my help.**

Don't be silly. I don't need drink. SCHOOLWORK is my drink.

**Yeah, and I'm shagging Dumbledore.**

_You are?_

Sarah, dear, it is time to introduce you to something called SARCASM.

_Don't patronize me, Lily. _

**Yeah, Lily. Don't patronize her. Its not her fault she's more gullible than a two year old.**

_Am not._

**Oh, look. Someone wrote 'sucker' on the ceiling!**

I can't believe you looked.

_I can't see it, Ninny._

Sarah, I'm about to teach you a very important life lesson. So listen up.

_I'm listening._

**Yeah, I'm listening too, McGonagall. **

Never listen to anything Ninny says. It is her satanic mission to lead you down the path of SIN.

**Of course its not, Sarah. Don't listen to the tart with the halo. Now go fornicate like a good girl while I initiate Lily into a secret cult with a ceremonial pagan ritual. **

_Stop making fun of me!_

**But your reaction is so entertaining. **

Nina, don't push it. I'll put you in detention for harassment.

**Not this weekend, please. I have a date.**

With AMOS?

**No, with bloody FATHER CHRISTMAS. **

_Nina, he's not real. _

**HE IS TOO REAL! **

She's teasing you, Sarah.

**Anyway, back to the topic. Sarah, you weren't present when Lily made that beautiful performance after Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup, were you?**

_No, I missed it, sadly. You pushed me out of a window. _

**Oh, stop bringing that up. It was only a small shove. **

_We were eight floors up! I could have died!_

**Well then, its lucky that giant pile of manure broke your fall.**

You stunk for weeks, Sarah.

**Yes, dragon dung tends to be rather potent. **

_Why were you asking about that anyway?_

**Well, Lily had two backup dancers for her lovely presentation. I was one of them, but the other one wasn't you, and they had lots of blonde hair and tits. **

_James Potter in a wig and stuffed bra?_

That was my first guess too. But he was in the audience.

_Well, I'm stumped. But the bell just rung, and we have to go to Herbology now. _

**Yes. I believe we are dealing with Venus Man Traps today, which are very fond of dragon dung, I believe. Best be careful, Sarah.**

_SHUT UP._


	18. In which drink is drunk

**I LIVE.**

Now, before you UNHINGE YOUR JAWS and SWALLOW ME WHOLE, I have some brilliant excuses for taking so bloody long to update. First off, I had a long holiday in Europe. Upon arriving home, my computer welcomed me back by imploding. I had to wait a few months for a new one (which is shiny and beautiful and gives me warm fuzzies inside), and THEN I was visciously attacked by English/Latin/Science/Music tests and/or assignments. So,I know its been a while, and I'm sorry. :)

BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER GO BACK AND RE-READ THE VERY EDITED CHAPTER 17. I would have incorporated the edits into this chapter, but I realised they worked better in the previous, so there you go.

Now Enjoy. XD

* * *

**Well, its the Halloween feast tonight, and I'm not sure if I'll be attending. My head is a little sore, you see. **

**It had been about a week since Lily stole my Secret Stash, no doubt to drown sorrows and try to forget her polyscelus situation. She also manages to keep her dignity, as she took it in the pretence of doing me a favour. I don't really want to count the number of times that I've said:**

"**I'm off for a drink"**

"**Ninny, why do you always turn to a bottle whenever something crappy happens?"**

"**Because its more comforting and a better listener than you or Sarah"**

"**Ninny, you have a DISEASE. You know that, don't you?"**

"**And you belong in a home for the SOCIALLY RETARDED"**

"**Well, you should GET SOME HELP"**

"**Now who's calling the academically challenged drunk an alcoholic?"**

"**... I am, Ninny."**

"**Perhaps..."**

**And then I will shuffle off to have a drink while doing Charms homework. Because that way, while I may be not taking Lilys advice and drinking, I am taking her advice by doing my homework. So she can't complain. Although she does, especially when I get 10 percent on my work. But there you go. **

**Well, now she's saying she's finally done what she's been threatening to do since my Secret Stash evolved beyond lollies, and taken it all. **

**Bloody hypocrite.**

**Well, needless to say, I was feeling a bit down, due to horrible withdrawals, and would have killed for a glass of firewhiskey. So, I was walking off towards my dorm to try and turn the jug of water in there into wine, like they taught us in Transfiguration, when I overheard Black and Lupin talking.**

"**Aw, Moony. Why the long bottom?" Black asked.**

"**Look, your name isn't exactly normal either!" Frank snapped as he passed the two. **

"**No reason."**

"**Its the Forbidden Fruit, isn't it?"**

"**The what?"**

"**Well, we need to give her a code name, lest we be overheard."**

"**Did you just say 'lest'?"**

"**We're studying Shakespeare in Muggle Studies,"**

"**And I see that you're taking the subject to heart,"**

"**Its very interesting."**

"**I thought you only took Muggle Studies to agravate your mother?"**

"**I did. What aggravates her even more is when i do well in it. But you are avoiding the subject. HAVE YOU TOLD JAMES."**

"**Well, you can see that I have all my limbs still attached,"**

**Black gave him a cold glare. "I swear I will tell him myself. And you know he'd rather hear it from you."**

"**Its not such a big deal!" Lupin said with a dismissive swoop of his hand. "I mean, it doesn't even matter if I tell him or not. He's not going to make a mountain out of a molehill!"**

**Another look. **

"**Moony, have you ever heard the tale of Helen of Troy?"**

"**Yes, but Helen of Troy was married to Menelaus. He had a claim over her."**

"**Even so. Helen had her way with some handsome prince and it started up a very bloody ten year war!"**

**Remus frowned. "How do you know this?"**

**A shrug. "Muggle studies."**

"**Look, Sirius, I'm not telling James. Then he would make me give her up, because I don't do well under pressure and/or torture. And I... really like her."**

**Black looked at his face for a long time. **

"**Gah, alright then. You can keep her. I won't tell James. But you have to promise me that, if he does find out, I knew nothing about it."**

**Lupin snorted. "Done."**

"**So... what is happening between you and the Apple of Eden?"**

"**My god, Sirius. The Apple of Eden?"**

"**I'm a very creative person."**

"**Nothing is happening."**

"**Nothing? Nothing as in... no snogging?"**

"**No – well, yes, but that's not really the problem... "**

"**If that be the case, there's a lovely Hufflepuff girl I hit on the other day that seemed pretty desperate."**

"**Sirius, I'm not sexually frustrated."**

"**Well, if you removed that stick from your arse and stuck it somewhere else, then I'm sure you'd be a happier person. It does a lot for ones disposition."**

"**You seem to be awfully well informed."**

"**Oh yes. Don't look so shocked – have you even met Helena?"**

"**I can't say I've had the pleasure."**

"**Hmm, yes. The 'pleasure'."**

"**For gods sake, Sirius, do you ever think of anything else?"**

"**Why would I want to do that?"**

"**Some people seek something a little bit more deep in a relationship."**

**He laughed at this. **

"**Well, whatever you and the Unobtainable Orange are seeking, you both need a shag."**

"**Look, shut up, Sirius. There is absolutely nothing missing in me and Lily's relationship."**

"**Well then, why the long bottom?"**

"**Shut up about my name!" Frank walked past again. **

"**Well..."**

"**Go on, Moony. Spill."**

"**Lily is angry with me because I won't take her to Hogsmeade." Remus blurted out, as fast as he could, as though to get it over and done with.**

"**Why won't you take her to Hogsmeade?" Black asked incredulously.**

"**Because James would spot us."**

"**Ah. Good point. And I suppose she thinks you're shunning her?"**

"**Exactly. She is of the opinion that I think she's good enough for a snog, but not for anything else."**

"**Ah, women." Black sighed and leaned back in his chair in a way that was incredibly sexy. "So difficult." I was, needless to say, rather offended by this comment, but did not dare reveal my position yet.**

"**Well, I can help you there, my friend."**

"**How will you do that?"**

"**Distract James."**

"**And, uh... how will you do that?"**

"**Oh..." Black said with an evil glint in his eyes. "Its best you don't know." **

**Lupin looked a little worried, and Black said**

"**Bring the Prohibited Grapefruit to Hogsmeade next weekend. You will have no disturbances."**

"**The Prohibited Grapefruit?"**

"**I'm running out of fruit metaphors."**

"**Sirius... you're not going to do anything... illegal, to get him out of the way, are you?"**

"**No! Well... actually... nothing that I'd get sent to Azkaban for. Unless James was a year or so older. But even then, I wouldn't go to Azkaban." Black informed him brightly. Lupin squirmed in his seat.**

"**In the meantime, Moony, I think you need a drink."**

"**Oh, no, Sirius, I don't think -"**

"**Its Butterbeer."**

"**Well, I suppose that's ok then."**

**I was exited by the mention of a drink, but withheld jumping on a bottle upon realising it was non-alcoholic. **

**That was until Lupin spluttered and coughed**

"**That's not Butterbeer!"**

"**I know." Black said dryly. "I lied. But you should drink it anyway."**

**To my surprise, Lupin did as he was told.**

**My impulses became too strong, and I leapt out from behind the large pot plant where I was hiding. **

"**Give me the alcohol." I demanded in a hoarse voice.**

"**Woah, Agglebury. Calm." Black chuckled.**

"**NOW." I commanded. Seeing, from Blacks raised eyebrow, that I was not going to get my way, I changed tact.**

"**Please. I will do anything." I got down on one knee and prepared to beg. I was that desperate.**

"**Well then, Agglebury." he smirked at me. "While you're down there..."**

"**No sexual favours."**

"**Damn. All right then, but you owe me for aiding you in a moment of need." he passed me a bottle. I was confused by the Butterbeer bottle, but once taking a swig of it, realised that is had been mislabeled. **

"**Clever to hide it like that."**

"**I thought so." he looked very smug at this, and I wished I hadn't said it. Unable to think up a snappy retort, I resolved to take a large mouthful of the burning liquid.**

"**Nina!" Lily scolded across the room, from where she emerged from the dorms. "That had better not be mead you're drinking."**

"**Lily! I would never dream of it!" I reassured her, a somewhat unconvincing display, ruined by Blacks sniggering. "Look, it's Butterbeer." **

**She calmed at a look at the bottle, and I invited her to join us. **

"**Ahm..." she glanced over and saw Lupin, and turned a violent shade of red. "Better not. I've got... ah, Remus – I mean homework to do."**

**She scuttled out of the portrait hole quicker than she probably would have done normally. **

**There was a pause and then - **

"**Did she nearly say she had 'got a Remus to do'?"**

**There was the sound of Lupin slapping his forehead. **

**--**

**A few hours later, when we were all considerably drunk, we were joined by James Potter, his face red and his hair more ruffled than usual, if that was even possible. He looked a bit... embarrassed, a new emotion for the usually shameless James.**

"**Where've you been?" Black asked, a slight slur detectable in his voice. **

"**With Dorcas." he looked as though he might have elaborated, had he not spotted me. **

**This was nonetheless followed by wolf whistles and catcalls from Black and some comments that would probably not escaped Lupin had he been sober. **

"**You're drunk, aren't you?" James asked in a disapproving tone.**

"**Not drunk." giggled Lupin, waggling a finger. "Just a little bit... t-tipsy!" he fell over himself, giggling hysterically. I had never before seen Lupin so unrestrained. Neither, it seemed, had James, who was looking at him with a mixture of surprise and amusement.**

"**Well" he said "What are you sitting there like dumb idiots for? Get me a bottle!" This was followed by much applause. **

**A bottle was fetched, and James settled in a chair, when yet another visitor graced us with his presence. **

"**Wormtail! Where've you been?" Sirius said heartily, the slur a little more pronounced now. **

"**Erm..." he said reluctantly. "Studying." **

"**Studying?" Black spluttered, as though Peter had admitted to having spent the time trying to get accepted into Slytherin. **

"**Well, theres OWLs coming up and... I'd like to pass." Peter said quietly, while they all roared with laughter, minus Remus.**

"**Good for you, Pete." his slur was evidently apparent. **

"**Yeah, Peter. If you study really hard you might end up as happy as Remus." I offered, grinning stupidly. Again, James and Black chuckled. However, both Lupin and Peter looked embarrassed, and I found myself a bit ashamed. **

"**Sorry." I giggled at them, and, despite it perhaps being not the most polite apology, they looked a little cheered. **

"**So, Prongs. What sordid activities did you get up to with Miss Ravenclaw in your absence?" Black grinned malevolently. **

"**S'none of your business." he said darkly. **

"**Ooh, what happened? Did you make a pass, and get rejected? Did you not meet her expectations? Oh! Don't tell me you got caught at it!"**

**James scowled, and looked in my direction.**

"**Oh, don't withhold information on my behalf, James. I know all your secrets already ." **

"**You don't know all my secrets."**

"**Yes, I do. I spent twelve years finding them all out. Your pretty little girlfriend might be very interested to know what you did with Mr Pinkles."**

"**Don't you bring Mr Pinkles into this!" James said in a slightly higher voice than normal. **

"**Mr Pinkles?" Peter giggled, and they all laughed, James not included. **

"**Fine." he huffed, and I chuckled with satisfaction. "We got caught."**

"**Oooh!"**

"**By who?"**

**James' face went from red to white. "Prefect."**

"**Bloody snoopers."**

"**They get their shits and giggles out of catching other people at it, don't they?"**

"**We were only kissing!"**

"**Whatever you say, Prongsie."**

"**Anyway." James cleared his throat. "Whats the occasion? And, Nina, what the hell are you doing here?"**

"**Moony is sexually frustrated." Sirius offered, as the Lupin smothered his face in a pillow.**

"**And I am here because Lily stole my mead." I said, helping myself to another bottle. **

"**Evans drinks?" Sirius seemed quite shocked, and I didn't really blame him. **

"**Well, she's taken it under the pretense of prefectual duties." I informed them. "But I think she's just depressed."**

"**Why?" James leaned forward in his seat, interested for reasons of which we were all of us aware. **

"**Because --" I stopped. I wasn't quite drunk enough not to notice the expression of terror on Lupins' face, and Blacks' giant wince, and my foggy brain recalled some of the conversation I had heard earlier. "She's, ahm, sexually frustrated." **

**This was followed by roars of laughter, relieved on Black and Lupins' side. It occurred to me that it probably might not be the best of plans to reveal Lily and Lupins relationship at present. **

"**Sexually frustrated, eh?" James grins and leans back into his seat, taking another swig out of his bottle. "Can think of a few ways to fix that."**

"**In your dreams, Potter. Lily hates you." James frowned at this. **

"**Oh, yeah, in his dreams. You should see his sheets in the morning." Black stuck his feet up on the chair opposite, forcing Remus to move to the chair arm. **

"**EW! That is something I did not want to know!" I said in disgust. **

"**Anything else you'd like to share, Padfoot?" James asked through gritted teeth. **

"**Well. There was that time when --" Peter began**

"**Wormtail, mate."**

"**Yeah?"**

"**That was a veiled threat."**

"**Oh. I was just getting into the spirit of things."**

"**I know, Pete. Its ok."**

"**Well," I said, after drinking the last of my bottle. "I'm off to bed."**

"**Aw, come on, Agglebury."**

"**You've never been one to go home in the middle of a party." **

**I laughed. "This isn't a party, James. This is you and your bum boys getting drunk in the middle of the common room."**

"**Oi!"**

"**Thats off!"**

"**We're not drunk yet!"**

"**Well..."**

"**Not very drunk."**

"**Only a little bit."**

**And then they all fell over themselves giggling. **

"**Nina! Ninny, what are you do--" Lily asked sleepily as she descended from the girls dormitory stairs. "Why are you here with them? What are you doing?" she frowned and looked a little confused. You couldn't blame her. It was about one in the morning. **

"**What does it look like, Evans? We're having an orgie." Black told her, and James and Peter fell out of their chairs. **

"**Funny." she sneered at him. "Nin, come to bed, please."**

"**Agglebury can do whatever the hell she wants. She's a big girl now." Black continued.**

"**I was just coming up anyway." I said, glaring at them all. Or trying to. There were five of them, and I only had two eyes, and was not a little drunk. **

"**You could join us, Evans. We were just about to bring out the whipped cream and handcuffs." **

"**Shut up!" she said fiercely. They did. "you should all go to bed, too." **

"**Good idea. Yours, or mine, Evans?" James grinned at her. **

"**You're revolting." she told him. "Come on, Nina." I had not yet recovered sufficient balance enough to protest, and followed her.**

"**Wait! Lily!" Remus got up from his chair. He'd been fairly silent for the past hour. "I need to ask you something."**

**Lily eyed him apprehensively. He led her (and me, who was attached to her arm for support) behind the potplant I had used to hide in earlier. **

"**Lily." he whispered, swaying a little. **

"**You're drunk, Remus."**

"**I've had a drink." he shrugged.**

"**Remus!"**

"**He made me!" Remus said, still whispering, and pointed an accusing finger at Black, who was now doing an impression of Lily telling them all off. **

"**What is it you want?"**

"**Will you come with me to Hogsmeade next weekend?"**

"**Oh, for goodness sake." she snapped. "Ask me in the morning, when you're sober."**

**And she huffed off to bed, dragging me along with her. **

**--**

_I got drunk._

_I've never been properly 'drunk' before. I mean, Sirius has forced a bottle on me once or twice, but I've never actually drunk so much as to be intoxicated. Not that it takes much. I mean, I get tipsy on two bottles of butterbeer. _

_It was then, of course, that I asked Lily to go out with me. She didn't take me seriously, since I could barely stand upright. _

_What surprised her was when I asked her again in the morning. I had finally found a way to escape my predicament, you see. Sirius offered to distract James that particular weekend. It would probably be more legally advisable for me to be unaware of his methods. _

_She did a funny thing with her lips – she twisted them around and bit them and pursed them and, just when I was worried she was going to chew them off, she looked at me and said "Alright then," and hurried off. _

_This is an odd, odd relationship we are in._

* * *

IF YOU REVEIW  
BANANA LOVES YOU  
IF YOU CANT BE STUFFED  
THEN YOU ARE A POO

I'm not even sure if that rhymes. Mpff. It gets the message across. Marshmallows to all reveiwers!

Banana :)

* * *

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	19. In which Banana takes temporary leave

(Clears throat)

Rightyho. I don't know quite how to put this, so I will be disgustingly blunt.

IM GOING ON HIATUS. BUHBYE.

Banana

--

I'm only kidding. You know I'm not that mean.

Now, there are people aplenty on the alert list for this story (even if half of them have never actually reviewed). It is quite possible, what with my increasingly sporadic updates, that many of you have forgotten who I am.

I am Bartimaeus, Sakhr al-Jinni!! I am N'gorso the Mighty, and the Serpent of Silver Plumes!! I have spoken with Solomon and Ptolemy, and rebuilt the walls of Uruk, Karnak and Prague!!

Oh, no, hang on a second. Wrong fandom.

Speaking of which, I'm shifting my lot over to a smaller section of the site. Ramblings isn't really doing it for me at the moment.  
Some of you who actually read the A/Ns might be aware that I had some computer trouble a while back. Well, I lost pretty much everything of Ramblings, including five almost entirely written chapters (all the exciting ones that I'd written as landmarks up ahead of the filler chapters) and a few more partially written ones. Not to mention several half-baked one-shots and Ramblettes. Understandably, this left me pretty fed up with computers in general, ditto Ramblings. And I really can't bring myself to re-writing all that just yet.

So I'm moving fandoms. Oh, I'll be back eventually – after the plot bunnies have had some time to re-coop. Give me four months.

Four months?  
Six months.

Give me six months and I will be back. Possibly less. Hopefully not more. In the meantime, I'm going to go and add to the 116 stories in the Bartimaeus section. And on that note, if you have me on author alert, you might want to consider taking me off the list, and maybe just putting Ramblings on story alert. That is, unless you want to get hit with my AU Bartimaeus/Faquarl slash.

Ok, not really. I'm not that warped.

Although...

Ignore the noise in the background. It just the plot bunnies breeding.

Anyway, if you haven't read the Bartimaeus books (which you should), removal is advisable. I'll be spamming up your inboxes otherwise, so get with it sharpish.

To conclude, I am going on the equivalent of a long holiday. I shall miss you all while I am gone. Bartimaeus will always be teh smex, pyramid of slime or no.

Out of interest, I want to see how many of you got that last reference. As a parting gift. Review to answer.

With luff and kisses and marshmallows to all

_Banana_


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